After the plan mission had been settled, I went to my unit, and I stayed on the balcony. Smoking.
How did it go to this? I'm completely ruined.
I don't know what I'm feeling right now. My chest is heavy, and my mind is a mess.
I've never felt this miserable in my life, I feel like something in me is missing again.
It's more miserable than before.
Tears started rolling down my cheeks, and I wiped it.
But it won't stop, I sighed heavily. My breath shaking.
I started biting my nails on my thumb and index finger.
I stepped inside the room and sat on the bed, I grabbed my phone from the bedside table and opened it.
I have a hidden camera inside Vladimir's penthouse, I don't know if he finds out about it.
But still hoping, I opened the file that was connected to the hidden cameras.
I viewed every area, it's normal but he wasn't there.
Maybe in his office?
I tapped the office area, but he wasn't there.
I proceeded to our shared bedroom before, my eyes narrowed.
It was all a mess, the glass walls were broken. The vase, our picture, frames on the bedside table. The wardrobe was broken also, and shattered glass is on the floor.
Is this how mad he is?
I turned off my phone and placed it on the bedside table, I lay down.
Vlad, please be okay.
I closed my eyes, and I automatically fell asleep due to exhaustion.
I woke up in the dark, and I couldn't see anything.
Where am I?
"Why are you so weak?" A voice echoed in my mind.
It's my father's voice.
"You have no enough hatred. That's why you're weak."
Am I... weak?
Then suddenly, the image of the past flashed in my mind.
How my mother was killed in front of me, how I was mistreated.
My mother is carrying me in her arms.
"Maeve? Are you alright?" It was her voice.
She smiled at me, "You've done so much, alright? Don't exhaust yourself."
Those words are from her, but it was the voices in the past.
"What's your dream, maeve?"
"My dream is to be more happy!"
She laughs, "You know... baby girls like you would dream of getting married, but you just dream of being happy more?"
"But whatever your dream is, I'll support you."
She poked my forehead.
Mommy...
"More hatred, for more strength maeve." My father's voice.
"There's no room for you, Maeve."
"You're useless, fucking miserable."
Why?
Why am I seeing this again?
Why am I hearing this again?
I thought I've buried this, why the fuck am I seeing this again?!
The image vanished together with the voices, leaving me in the dark.
It feels like I'm locked in here, I can't find the way out.
No room for me he say? There's no room because he locked me in the dark.
Leaving me miserable...
I gasped when I woke up, I sat on the bed. Panting.
I gripped the bedsheet.
I sighed heavily. Calm down Maeve.
Sa pagkairita ko ay lumabas ako ng kwarto at dumiretso sa rooftop.
Then I saw a young girl sitting on the railings, I walk towards his direction.
I leaned against the railings, tumingin ito sakin.
"Hm, you're here." She smiled.
"And you? It's already midnight why are you still awake?"I raised my brow at her.
"Nothing, I just can't sleep." She answered.
She's Elara, she's a trainee here. She's just 14 years old.
"Your eyes," I stared at her in curiosity.
"It's much empty than before," my gaze softened.
"Is it?" She nodded.
I hummed softly, maybe this is the effect of the situation I'm in?
Weeks had passed, we still didn't take a move.
I'm always thinking about him.
Does he really love me?
If yes, why did he let his anger control him?
I chuckled because of that thought. It Came from a woman who loved his father but chose to take revenge because of anger.
And one thing is, I often vomit every night.
Every morning I feel sick, I always crave for food.
I often get irritated at the small things, ang buong elite team ang napapagbuntungan ko lalo na si epsilon.
I don't know what's happening to me.
When I'm craving I always call epsilon, even late at night.
Minsan ay nabibwisit na rin sya pero ginagawa nya din naman request ko.
"Potangina ano yan?" Nandidiring tanong ni epsilon nang makita akong kumakain ng shake.
"Shake," Saad ko.
"Shake? Bat ang panget ng lasa?" Napakunot ang noo ko.
"Gago ka ba? Masarap kaya," nangasim ang mukha nito.
"Ano bang hinalo mo dyan?" Dismayadong tanong nya.
"Avocado tsaka ketchup," uminom ako sa baso.
"Kadiri tangina," malutong na Sabi nito.
Inirapan ko ito, "Mas kadiri yang mukha mo."
"Tanginang ugali Yan," ubos pasensya nitong Saad sakin.
Kasalukuyan kasi akonv nandito sa dining area, gumawa ako ng shake na may avocado na may ketchup tsaka gatas.
Hindi ko alam kung bakit pero eto ang cravings ko.
Dumating si Delta, lorde, lota at alpha.
"Take this," Saad ni delta at may nilapag na tatlong pregnancy test kit?
"Para San ito?" Kunot noo kong tanong.
"Just try it," tumango ako dito.
Kinuha ko ang tatlong pregnancy test kit at dumiretso sa cr.
Na try ko na ang isa at hinihintay ko na ang result, nanlamig ako nang mag dalawang linya ito.
I shook my head, baka false lang?
To triple check, I used the two remaining kit.
Napasapo ako sa mukha ko nang parehong positive ito, potangina.
I'm pregnant?
Biglang bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko, I held my abdomen.
No, this can't be.
I sighed heavily, what have I done?
Nang lumabas ako ng cr ay napabaling ang tingin nilang lahat saakin, pansin nila ang pagkatulala ko habang palapit sakanila.
Delta approached me, "Let Me see." She gently took the kit in my hand.
"Oh my god, Maeve.. " She hugged me.
"W-what am I gonna do?" Nanginginig ang boses ko.
"Sabihan mo Yung ama," suggestion ni alpha.
"Bobo, magkaaway sila diba?" Asik ni epsilon sakanya.
"Sasabihin lang naman ah? Sabihin mo last update mo sakanya," pilosopong Sabi ni alpha.
Hindi ko alam kung maiinis ba ako o matutuwa.
"Alam ko na," nakangiting Saad ni lorde. "Pag nanganak ka iregalo mo sakanya."
"Hoy, hindi ka nakakatulong ha!" Sigaw ni lota sakanya.
"Aray! Itikom mo yang bibig mo tatahiin ko yan," asik ni lorde na napahawak sa kanang tenga nya.
Napabuntong hininga ako, kahit kailan talaga walang matinong isasagot tong mga ito.
Umupo ako sa tabi ni lota, nasa likod ko si delta.
We'll have our mission later, I need to be more careful.
"What's your plan now?" Lota asked.
"I dont know, I'll think about it." Saad ko.
I stood up and went to my room, I locked the door. I collapsed on the bed.
Fuck, what am I gonna do with this?
'Leave, and don't come back to me.'
Those words still haunts me, how am I supposed to raise this child without a father?
I know how It feels the absence of a father, and I don't want this child to feel the same way I felt before.
I caressed my stomach,
Vlad...
I tried to call irene several times but she's not answering, I need her.
This is all a messed, what have I done?
Maghapon akong nakakulong sa kwarto ko, it was 7PM when a doctor entered.
Dr. Aileen.
She's one of our doctor here in the organization, behind her was Dr. Guild.
Seryoso ang mukha ni Dr. Guild, did I disappoint him?
I sighed heavily, then Dr. Aileen brought me to her office.
She started to check me up, ultrasound.
"You're 3 weeks pregnant," she smiled at me.
3 weeks? I held my stomach.
"It's your first time, and it's sensitive. I'll give you a vitamins to avoid miscarriage, don't be so stress okay?" Wala sa sarili akong napatango sakanya.
May binigay muna syang vitamins bago ako umalis, dumiretso ako sa unit namin.
Pagkapasok ko ay nasa living room wi Dr. Guild, bumilis ang tibok ng puso ko.
"Sit down," maawtoridad na utos nito.
I obeyed, I sat on the couch across from him.
Nakayuko lang ako, unsure how to explain everything.
"I'm sorry—"
"How are you?" Napaangat ako ng tingin sakanya, he's not mad?
"I-im fine," kunot noo kong tanong.
"It will be okay, take care of the baby. I'll just have the mission reassigned—"
"I will continue the mission," pagputol ko sakanya.
"Maeve, it's dangerous for you." Madiing Sabi nito.
"I am the danger, I can't just watch here and do nothing. I've spent the whole 17 years improving myself, I won't let it be a waste." Malamig kong Saad sakanya.
Napabuntong hininga ito, he know me damn well. I won't stop until I get what I want.
"What about your baby?" My gaze softened.
"How did it go to this Maeve? I thought you won't let your emotion get in your way." Napayuko ako.
Yes, I told myself that.
But, was it possible if the more I told myself to distant is the more I crave for connection?
"Are.. you, disappointed?" Mahinang Sabi ko.
"How could I? When me, the founder of this organization. The one you all looked up at. Was once defeated by love?" There's a hint of pain in his tone.
That's right, we know to ourselves.
Both of us are the powerful assasin in this organization, we're not defeated by our enemy.
But we're defeated by love.
______
🦋