"Ayos ka lang ba?" Tanong ni epsilon saakin.
"N-no, ang sakit." Daing ko sa sobrang sakit ng tyan ko.
"Hang on, malapit na," he said while driving.
Napasandal na lamang ako sa inuupuan ko, it's August 26. My due date for giving birth was supposed to be August 28.
Exactly on my birthday, but fuck. My water broke earlier unexpectedly.
When we arrive at the hospital may mga sumalubong saakin na mga nurses I lie down on the stretcher.
Epsilon contacted the hospital as soon as my water broke, this is Epsilon's hospital as far as I know.
The nurses brought me into the delivery room, epsilon is also inside.
Bumibigat ang paghinga ko, sobrang sakit ng tyan at pagkababae ko.
Inalalayan ako ni epsilon at ng nurse na bumaba sa kama.
The nurse made me leaned forward over the bed, epsilon is caressing my back.
I groaned as my lower back started to ache, I held on Epsilon's hand.
"Shush, it's okay, you're okay." He comforted me.
Panting, my eyes started tearing because of the pain.
"It hurts," I sobbed.
"I'm here, it's okay," he caressed my hand with his thumb.
The labor lasts eight hours, I've been crying and groaning because of the pain.
Epsilon stayed by my side, neither of us ate. He said he'll stay until I give birth.
The doctors and nurses assisting me to give birth, I've been groaning and panting.
Puno ng pawis ang mukha at dibdib ko, halos buong katawan ko.
"Ma'am, the baby won't go out. We need to perform C-section." The doctor said.
I immediately nodded, it's dangerous because I've been pushing for almost 30minutes yet my baby won't go out.
Nauubusan na ng pagkain sa loob, it's dangerous also I'm running out of blood.
I fell asleep as soon as a nurse injected me the anesthesia.
I woke up, exhausted.
My head hurts, napatingin ako sa gilid ko at nakita ko si epsilon na natutulog.
Nakaupo sya at magkapatong ang mga kamay at ulo nya sa kama, he was sleeping peacefully.
I know he's exhausted after staying with me for so long, 8 hours of laboring and he didn't leave my side.
Naramdaman ko ang unti unti nitong pag-galaw, he groaned before looking up at me.
His eyes are sleepy, "You're awake."
"Hm, yeah," I said almost a whisper.
"How are you feeling?" Umayos ito ng upo at sinuklay ang buhok nya gamit ang mga mahahaba nitong daliri.
"My head hurts, and where's my baby?" Pag iiba ko ng usapan.
"I'll call the nurse," I nodded as he stood up and walked out of my room.
Napabuntong hininga ako, I closed my eyes.
Vlad, I gave birth to our child.
I had a hard time, labor is no joke, the C-section was successful.
I wish you're here, I wish you're the one who's by my side—not epsilon.
I opened my eyes as u heard the door opened, epsilon went in and behind him was a nurse. Carrying a baby.
The nurse smiled at me before she put the baby on my chest, I held the baby and looked down.
He's sleeping peacefully, I smiled.
"Hi, silver." I whispered as I caressed his face lightly.
My eyes went teary, he looks like vlad.
The brows, the pointed nose, and the shape of lips.
It's just a newborn pero bakas na ang kakapalan ng kilay nito at katangusan ng ilong nito. Makapal din ang buhok nito.
Vlad, I made it. I successfully gave birth to our child.
I wish you were here.
The door closed at umalis na ang nurse, leaving me and epsilon with the baby.
"Grabe, ikaw ang naghirap tapos magiging kamukha lang ng tatay?" Kamot ulong Saad ni epsilon.
"I'm still glad you know," I said while staring at the baby.
"Nga pala, you've been asleep for 8 Hours, kukuha lang ako ng pagkain mo." Napatango ako kay epsilon.
He's right, and I need to breastfeed the baby. So I must eat first.
Napabuntong hininga na lamang ako, I tap my baby's leg lightly.
Silver, I might not give you the presence of your father but I promise that I will fulfill his role.
I'm sorry you have to be born in a situation like this. My eyes heated and went teary.
If vlad is here will It still be heavy like this?
Pinunasan ko ang luha na pumatak saakin nang bumukas ang pinto at iniluwa noon si epsilon, may dala itong tray at may nakapatong na bowl na sa tingin ko ay soup iyon at may tubig sa tabi nito.
Inilapag nya iyon sa lemesa sa gilid ng kama.
"Akin na muna si silver, kumain ka muna." Marahang Sabi nito.
Gusto ko pa man hawakan si silver ay binigay ko nalang sakanya dahil nagugutom na rin ako.
Hawak nya sa iwang maskuladong mga braso nya si silver at ang isa ay inalalayan ako umupo ng kama.
Inilapag ni lorde ang tray sa may hita ko, I started eating.
"Nga pala, napaayos ko na din pala birth certificate nya." Bumaling ang tingin ko sakanya.
"Wag ka mag alala, just like what you requested," ngumiti na lamang ako sakanya at nagpatuloy sa pagkain.
I requested to him na sya ang mag asikaso ng birth certificate ni silver and put Vladimir's last name as silver's last name.
I don't want my child to carry my last name, I hate my last name so much. I can't bear my child to carry it, it's full of bad memories.
"Thankyou, epsilon." I said as I looked at him.
He smiled at me, "You're always welcome."
"Why are you even doing this?" I asked.
"Can I leave you behind? Besides, the whole alpha team got back to their works. Ako ang inutusan ni Papa guild na magbantay sayo." My gaze softened at his words.
"You once saved me I'm just returning the favor. I won't abandon a friend who once save me, maeve." I smiled at him.
Epsilon is the type of friend who will give and take, once you do him a favor he will make it up to you in his own way.
Years had passed, silver grew.
He's now 5 years old, I'm still living here in Paris.
Taking care of silver alone wasn't easy, when he was a baby hindi ko sya maiwan sa isang tabi. Kahit sa stroller nya o sa crib nya.
Kapag nilalapag ko sya saglit ay umiiyak agad, kaya kahit sa pag cr ko ay kasama ko sya.
Pero nabago iyon noong naging 2 years old na sya, tahimik na ito. Panoorin lang sya ng YouTube sa TV at bigyan ng gatas sa tsupon ay mananahimik ito.
Simula nang mag 1 year old si silver ay bumalik na rin sa organization si epsilon, madaming nag iintay na trabaho.
Makakapag usap na lamang kami ay sa video call na, si guild ay paminsan-minsan bumibisita na may dalang laruan para kay silver. Spoiled sya sa kanya lalo na sa buong elite team.
Babalik na rin ako kapag nag six years old na si silver, dahil kaya ko na syang iwanan at pwede ko syang iwanan sa organization dahil may mga magbabantay naman Doon.
5 years wasn't easy, I'm still not okay. I felt happy at the same time I feel empty.
I miss him, habang lumalaki si silver ay nakikita ko si vlad sakanya.
Si silver ay figure ni vlad, masungit din ang batang iyon.
Pero malambing sya pagdating saakin, seryoso sya pagdating kila guild at sa elite team. Masungit sya pag sa ibang Tao.
Katulad na lamang sa kindergarten when he was three years old. Kapag may dumidikit sakanya ay seryoso itong nakikipag usap kahit na puro kakulitan ang bata na dumidikit sakanya, hindi rin sya makulit. Tahimik sya na seryoso like vlad.
His eyes are same with vlad, light grey. Almost silver, sakto lang din ang katawan nito. Hindi sya mataba at hindi rin mapayat.
He has white skin na nakuha nya saakin, his sharped eyes na namana nya sa ama nya, his pointed nose, and natural pink lips. Makapal din ang buhok nito na nakadagdag lang sa kapogian nya.
Whenever I'm looking at him, I'm always seeing vlad. He's so much look like him.
In those 5 years, I also take care of myself, though hindi maiiwasan ang pag gain ng weight ay nagbabalance diet ako.
But still, there's this time na every night ay iiyak ako at makakatulog dahil sa pagod.
Iiyak ako dahil, I wish vlad was here to help me, the longing and the hard reality I'm facing.
I'm crying whenever Silver is asleep, Doon ako tuluyan babagsak.
It's been my routine simula noong pa na nagbubuntis ako, staring at his picture, crying.
Bumalik ako sa paninigarilyo, but im only smoking when Silver is asleep.
Ayaw ko ipakita sakanya na may habit akong ganon, I once stopped because irene told me to stop before.
But now I can't help it, it has become my stress reliever.
Wala na rin akong balita pa sakanila, ang huling balita ko ay sinabi ni guild na wala na sa Sylvester Bor Mafia si carpio.
But still, he's alive, and while I know that he's still alive, hindi ko sya titigilan.
I just retreated because I need to.
Now that he's no longer in Sylvester Bor Mafia, it's my chance to haunt Him down.
But the biggest question in my head is, why? Did carpio cut off with Sylvester? Or did vlad cut him off as his ally?
"Mamma?" I was snapped out of my thoughts when Silver spoke.
"Yes, baby?" Napabaling ang tingin ko dito.
"You okay?" Napangiti at tumango ako sakanya.
"Mamma, I have a question." Tumango ako dito.
"Where's... daddy? Did he leave us?" He gently said.
Despite silver's young age, ay matured itong mag isip, Silver is a smart kid. mabilis nya na magets ang bagay bagay.
"He didn't leave us, baby, daddy, and I just have an argument. That's why he's not here." I softly said.
"When will he come here?" Kita ko ang lungkot sa mga mata nito.
"I dont know, baby," Tumango ito.
Since Silver turned three, he started asking about his father, nakita naman na nya ang mukha ni vlad dahil may picture frame sa kwarto ko na magkasama kami ni vlad.
Katabi ko kasi matulog si silver, may sarili naman itong kwarto pero Mas gusto nyang matulog katabi ako.
"But for now, Mommy only okay?" He smiled before nodding.
"But mommy, what's daddy's nationality? Is he from here, that's why we're here?" I stood up and placed my plate on the sink.
"No, baby. He's from Russia, we're here because this is our dream country. And I... fulfilled it alone." Mahina kong Sabi na sapat lang para marinig nito.
"So? I'm half Russian?" Tumango ako dito.
"Can he speak English? If not, can I learn the Russian language? When someday he comes back to us, I would be able to talk to him and understand him?" My heart melted at his words.
He's willing to learn his father's language just in case vlad doesn't know how to speak English.
I smiled, "He can speak English, baby. He can speak different languages."
His eyes lighten up, "But still, mommy, I want to learn his language."
"Okay, okay. I'll teach you." Pagsuko ko.
I can't resist this child. There's something in him that I can't resist, like how I can't resist vlad.
He giggled as he placed his place on the sink, I poked his forehead.
"Ah," daing nito at hinimas ang noo nito.
I chuckled, "what was that for Mamma?" Nakasimangot na Saad nito.
"It's one of daddy's gestures," I smiled.
"I want to see him, Mamma. I want to be with him."
Me too, silver.
I want to be with him again.
I miss your daddy so much, though it's impossible for him to come back.
Paano kung ipagtabuyan nya kami? Hindi lang ako ang masasaktan, Pati si silver.
Pano kung hindi nya tanggapin si silver?
I'm still hoping that maybe... Maybe there's still a chance.
And if there's no chance, I'll let him go.
But I won't love again, he will be the first and last.
_________
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