It was the perfect plan.
Rei had spent all night crafting it—complete with a dummy corpse made from potatoes and a mop, a self-written obituary that exaggerated his modesty ("He was too humble to accept he was amazing, and too handsome to survive"), and even an old-school dramatic will titled:
"To My Many Loving Wives Who I Definitely Didn't Flee From, Please Don't Dig Me Up."
The goal?
Disappear. Evaporate. Transcend.
Freedom.
[System Warning: Morality Stat -0.5 for Faking Death]
[However, Desperation Stat +3. Approving temporary plan out of pity.]
[Side Quest Started: "Operation Ghost Husband"]
Reward: [Emotional Peace, Probably Not]
Failure Consequence: [Wife Group Counseling (Mandatory, Knife Edition)]
Rei stood on a lonely mountaintop behind the academy, wearing a black cloak and holding a smoke bomb in one hand and a deadpan expression in the other.
"Here lies Rei," he whispered dramatically, "beloved son, scholar, and accidental harem victim. May he rest in pieces—"
KABOOM.
The smoke bomb went off with a disappointing poof, like a depressed teapot.
He tossed a bloodied shirt (ketchup and dramatic tears) onto the rocks, sighed loudly, and vanished behind a carefully hidden trapdoor into a coffin-shaped escape tunnel.
It led 3 kilometers underground to a mossy hideout he found during a previous "yandere-evacuation drill." There were rations. There were books. There was Wi-Fi.
He was free.
He was safe.
He was—
"Hello, Master."
Rei froze. Slowly, ever so slowly, he turned.
Rosette stood there. Holding tea. Wearing his death cloak. Smiling sweetly like the grim reaper's more possessive sister.
"Would you like jasmine or arsenic?" she asked.
Rei screamed. Not externally, but the soul-splitting, existential kind.
[System Notification: Faked Death – Status: Failed]
[Rosette: Already prepared 14 resurrection contingencies. License 001 approved by local Death Deity.]
[Bonus File: Rosette's Resurrection Plan includes a romantic picnic at your grave. With live music.]
"You... how did you—?!"
"I intercepted your forged obituary last night," she said gently, pouring tea. "Corrected the grammar. Added heart emojis."
"WHAT—"
"Oh, and I submitted a resurrection license. Just in case."
Rei blinked. "There's such a thing as a resurrection license?!"
Rosette opened a scroll. It had a golden seal and a sticky note that read:
"Approved by the Bureau of Eternal Return. Cause of Death: Cowardice. Revival Status: Authorized by Yandere Clause 77B."
"Clause 77B!?"
Rosette beamed. "If the target of obsession dies, but is still sexy, a yandere may override death. Legally."
[System Note: You are officially too hot to die.]
[New Passive Unlocked: "Immortal Against Your Will"]
Effect: Revives you every time you try to escape emotionally. Or literally.
Rei backed away. "You're insane."
"You say that every time," she replied sweetly, pulling out a clipboard. "Now then. Shall we go over today's events?"
"No."
"Too late. 9:00 AM: Resurrect. 9:30 AM: Public Funeral Rebranding Ceremony."
"You mean I have to attend my own funeral?!"
"Yes. The student body misses you. Lilia has started carving a statue. Drakana volunteered to weep on command. Emilia's making cupcakes with your initials."
"She hates cooking."
"Exactly. It's true love."
9:45 AM – FUNERAL (PARTY)
Rei stood on the main balcony like a resurrected prom king, surrounded by banners that said:
"WELCOME BACK FROM THE DEAD, YOU DRAMATIC IDIOT 💕"
Lilia sobbed into her lace veil, clutching a bouquet the size of a small tree.
"I KNEW he'd return to us!" she cried. "The prophecy was TRUE!"
Drakana, dressed in full dragon armor, held a battle horn and let out a roar that cracked four windows.
Even Seraphina lit a candle. A candle shaped like Rei. It melted disturbingly fast.
Rosette stepped forward, arms open.
"I offer you all the gift of his return," she declared like a martyr. "With bonus tea coupons."
The students cheered.
Rei stared out at the crowd.
"...I was gone for forty minutes."
[System Notification: Achievement Unlocked – "Failed to Stay Dead"]
[Title Gained: "Lover of Life (Against His Will)"]
Reward: [Increased Wife Affection +5]
Curse: [Increased Wife Attention +10,000]
After the funeral came the Post-Resurrection Romantic Brunch.
Each girl tried to hand-feed him omelets shaped like hearts. Even the headmaster. Who was also now back, looking... broken.
"I should've let the donkey trample me," he muttered as Rei passed.
HIDEOUT – LATER THAT NIGHT
Rei sat on the roof of the dorms, sighing into the stars.
"I can't even die in peace…"
"You don't need to," came a quiet voice.
It was Emilia. Standing there with a half-empty cupcake tray.
"I didn't cry," she muttered. "Or build a shrine. But... I'm glad you didn't vanish."
Rei blinked.
That was the closest thing to emotional vulnerability she'd ever said.
His heart jumped.
Then the tray exploded.
Seraphina landed like a meteor. "HE'S MINE IN LIFE AND DEATH."
"No, mine!" Lilia descended from the heavens.
Drakana kicked down the chimney.
Rosette was already behind him.
Rei sighed.
[System Notification: Current Threat Level – "Romantic Apocalypse"]
[Passive Suggestion: Faking Amnesia Next?]
[Also: You have 13 scheduled wedding rehearsals this week.]
[Would you like to scream now? Y/N]
To be continued…