Life is like moving too fast right now.
I don't know what to do but sit here, stuck, not doing anything.
I'm scared of everything, so what is there for me to do?
But there's a person — my mom's friend. She's young, beautiful, loud, caring, cool.
I don't usually like loud, but when I see her, I have this feeling.
What if she's coming over today?
And I find myself walking through the living room and back to my room constantly.
What is it? Is it love? Is it a crush?
I've never even talked to her. How could I love?
Am I that simple? Why?
Even if I did like her, she doesn't like me.
I'm alone, stuck in a repeated cycle of what-ifs.
Fantasies of me and you, hoping you'd say something, make the first move —
because I'm too scared.
There's part of me that doesn't want this.
But there's the other half that does.
And I know you don't even think twice about me.
You glance at me, your beautiful eyes locked onto me, but there's nothing more.
I need more.
Talk to me.
I know I'm quiet, but don't let that keep you away.
Just because I'm quiet doesn't mean I don't wanna feel.
I often find myself fantasizing about you.
You're you.
And I love that about you.
I wanna hold you, touch your face, feel your lips on mine, hold your hand,
touch your body slowly — feel my hand down your body.
But I know, with how I am, how I see things — it can never be.
And I know these feelings might not even be real, and I...
At times I even realize, when you leave my house, you talk to other guys
who make you laugh and maybe even have sexual activities with.
And it makes me angry, sad, and sometimes makes me feel things I've never felt before —
like murder.
I don't want anyone near you.
I want you to myself...
I don't know.
At times I feel like I'm a bad guy for even thinking about killing for you.
But I think I might just truly love you —
to the point where nothing I do would seem bad to me, as long as it's for you.
For us.
These thoughts scare me.
But at times also make me feel thrilled and excited.
I see the guy you're walking with today...
What if he just disappears?
I don't think anyone would care.
He's a bad guy.
Why are you even entertaining him?
He has a drug charge and a battery charge on his record.
If I got rid of him, I'd be saving you...
Wouldn't I?
If I were to brutally murder him in front of you, would you see how much I care for you?
Would you be scared?
I don't want that.
I don't want you to look at me like a monster.
Should I move on?
Should I stop before it becomes uncontrollable — like the other—
No.
Stop.
Don't think about that.
It wasn't your fault.
It wasn't my fault.
It wasn't me.
Stop.
Please...
I see the way you look at him in the eyes as I sit in the dark corner of the room.
I see you touching his face, feeling his beard.
I don't like this.
Should I kill him now?
If I wait, I will have to sit in your closet all day,
watching you fuck this evil guy.
Am I evil?
Am I weird?
Is that why you can't see me?
What is this feeling?
I can't handle it anymore.
I hear her laugh and his, as she walks into the bathroom to wash off
before they do the dirty.
But I won't let that happen.
No.
He's gonna die today.
I walk slowly, creeping outside the closet, quietly sneaking up behind him.
I pull a rope from my pockets and I wrap it around his neck quickly.
I strangle him from behind.
I watch as the life exits his eyes.
And then I hear a gasp.
And I turn around slowly, hoping it isn't her —
It isn't you — please...
As I face her, she screams and cries.
Why did I do it?
I can see the way she looks at me — like a monster,
like someone who's bad.
I'm not bad.
I'm not what he is!
I yell at her.
As I yell these things, she flinches and jumps up,
running out of the room towards the front door.
I chase her and grab her, pulling her to the floor,
her towel falling off, leaving her naked.
Her nice skin arousing me, her nipples perked up, hard.
Nice.
Does she like this?
She slaps me and gets up, covering herself.
She screams, "Don't hurt me, please!"
But I would never hurt her.
What is she talking about?
I tell her, "I love you."
And she looks at me like I'm crazy.
I don't know what to do anymore.
As I walk closer, I hear police sirens.
She says she called the cops earlier,
after seeing my glasses flicker with light while I was hiding in the closet.
I look at her, staring into her eyes.
"Remember — for however long we live,
I will love you, you stupid fuck.
I love you, why can't you see that?
I watch you and take care of you without you ever knowing.
Why can't you see this?"
As I finish talking and tears stream down my face,
the police walk in.
I step back, and they tell me to put my hands up.
I cry out loud:
"If I can't have her, what's the point of living?
What was the point of doing everything I did for her —
all the killing I've done — it's all pointless if you don't love me!"
I look her in the eyes and laugh.
"I'm sorry."
I run toward the cops.
They shoot me several times.
I fall to the floor, blood spilling out of me.
It's beautiful.
"Well... I guess this is it," I say out loud,
As take my last breath.
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The End.