Strategic Objective: Acquire rare materials for weapon developmentTactical Obstacle: Adults with rules, commerce regulations, and a goose with trust issuesOperational Codename:Operation Golden Gander
A Rumbling Opportunity
It began, as most valuable opportunities do, with distant rattling and the smell of overpriced incense.
From his watchtower crib on the second floor (also known as a highchair strapped to a balcony), Lee Yong-Su squinted down at the approaching caravan. Five carts, twelve oxen, two shouting merchants, and one lute-playing monk who appeared to be three cups of rice wine over the legal limit.
"Trade caravan," he muttered, leaning forward, the wind tousling his hair like a war general in a historical drama.
Behind him, Captain Beakface (a.k.a. Tao-Tao the goose) stood proudly with his newly upgraded gear: a bamboo chest plate painted black with soot, a red sash denoting command status, and aviator goggles clearly stolen from someone's herb pouch.
Flanking Tao-Tao were two other geese:
Featherblade, recently returned from self-imposed exile, now sporting a belt of fishbones and a thousand-yard stare.
Clutchkrieg, a newer recruit with more enthusiasm than intelligence and a habit of attacking garden tools.
Yong-Su sucked thoughtfully on a dried plum and whispered:
"Begin Operation Golden Gander."
The Plan
Objective: Obtain essential ingredients for advanced black powderObstacles: Adult supervision, merchant pricing, lawSolution: Diversion via goose assault. Infiltration under adorable guise. Extraction through plausible deniability.
Roles:
Goose Unit Alpha: Disruption and intimidation
Yong-Su: Diplomatic acquisition specialist (baby)
Kaboom: Currently grounded due to last week's incident with the monk and the meditation pond
Phase One: Honk-Based Diversion
At exactly 8:12 a.m., as the lead cart rolled past the east gate, the goose squad struck.
With precision honks and tactical flapping, the geese descended from the sky like feathery demons.
Featherblade launched himself onto a cart of porcelain teacups, let out a war honk, and kicked off a bowl labeled "Spiritual Harmony Blend."
Clutchkrieg grabbed a pouch of alchemical dust in his beak and took off running. No one ever caught him. He is now banned in three provinces.
Captain Beakface—resplendent in his sash—landed on the lead merchant's shoulder and let out a honk so resonant it shattered a bottle of medicinal wine and briefly summoned a minor wind spirit.
The caravan erupted into screams.
"What kind of beast is this?!""Is this an attack?!""That goose is wearing armor!"
Phase Two: Baby Diplomacy
While the adults screamed and the oxen panicked, Yong-Su waddled into the fray, dressed in his formal silk romper (charcoal-stained), clutching a small coin pouch and a scroll labeled "Shopping List, v1.2."
He approached the merchant mid-shriek and tugged gently at his sleeve.
"I buy... shiny things," Yong-Su declared, presenting his coin pouch, which jingled with actual copper and one highly illegal flint pebble.
The merchant blinked.
"Who... who are you?"
Yong-Su smiled sweetly. "Commerce."
Behind him, Tao-Tao honked like an IRS auditor with feathers.
The merchant, eyes darting between goose talons and toddler intensity, made a quick decision.
"Take anything. Just call off the birds."
Materials Acquired:
One flask of alchemical sulfur extract (possibly mislabeled foot balm)
Three brass tubes (originally incense holders)
A box of quartz-fused striker stones
One talisman labeled "Explosive Qi Absorption Filter" (handwritten, probably fake)
A half-eaten rice ball (bribery tool)
Yong-Su bowed politely.
"Good trade."
The merchant whimpered and gave him a bonus vial.
Fen Arrives
Back at the estate, Fen was midway through cataloguing emergency fire evacuation routes when she noticed the absence of:
One goose
One baby
Half the incense stockpile
She bolted down the path and arrived just in time to see Yong-Su climbing back onto Tao-Tao's back like a conquering general.
"WHAT IS HAPPENING?!"
He waved happily.
"Supply run!"
She screamed into a scroll.
Evening Debrief
That night, the estate buzzed with rumors.
Father attempted to downplay the incident:
"See? He's economically independent!"
Mother rubbed her temples.
"He used a goose ambush to negotiate metal tube acquisition. That's not entrepreneurship. That's war profiteering."
Fen simply sat in her bunker, painting a sign that read:"In Case of Economic Warfare, Hide Here."
Tao-Tao's Promotion
In a private ceremony lit by moonlight and the faint glow of Kaboom chewing on a lantern, Yong-Su pinned a tiny star-shaped button to Tao-Tao's armor.
"You've earned your stripes, Commander Beakface. Tomorrow, we raid the southern vendor trail."
Tao-Tao honked once and saluted.
Featherblade flapped solemnly.
Kaboom burped sparks.
Baby Genius Log – Night Entry
Mission Report:
Caravan Intercepted: ✅
Materials Acquired: ✅✅
Civilian casualties: 0 (unless you count egos)
Fen's emotional stability: Near collapse
Goose efficiency: 8/10. Clutchkrieg still refuses to return the hat.
Notes:
Begin construction of Mk II musket with brass barrel
Design goose harness with talisman shock dampeners
Create "honking distraction drills" for future commerce raids
Look into marketing plan: "Explosive Enlightenment — The New Cultivation Path"
He scribbled the words "Weaponized Economics" in charcoal across the top of his blueprint.
Then he turned to Kaboom, who was curled up beside a half-melted rice bowl, and whispered:
"Next time, we go international."
Outside, Tao-Tao polished his goggles with his wing.
In the distance, a merchant caravan rerouted itself five miles north to avoid the estate.
Just in case.