Surprise! It's the Government
One sunny morning, a Sect Compliance Inspector arrived at the estate unannounced—because apparently, exploding koi ponds and geese in military gear triggered a "Magical Risk Assessment Flag."
His name was Inspector Hai, and he walked like someone who had read far too many scrolls and smiled like a man who had never smiled.
"I am here," he said flatly, "to perform a routine cultivation environment audit."
Father, attempting to stall:
"Ah! Please, come in. We're very... compliant. Extremely... un-explosive."
In the background, something exploded.
"Ignore that," Father added quickly.
Hai blinked.
"I cannot."
The Audit Begins
Inspector Hai's checklist included:
Fire safety compliance (Nope.)
Beast containment certifications (Hahahaha.)
Indoor qi harmony (Tao-Tao bit a bell.)
Talismans approved by a licensed scrollmaster (One was made of dumpling wrappers.)
Fen, meanwhile, trailed him silently, handing out scrolls labeled:
"If You Smell Smoke, Don't Ask Questions — Just Leave""Identifying a Kaboom-Related Incident: A Handy Visual Guide""Are You on Fire? A Spiritual Checklist"
Hai frowned at her.
"Who are you?"
"The survivor," she muttered darkly.
The Wig Incident
Inspector Hai's inspection concluded in the rear meditation garden, which unfortunately also served as Kaboom's personal zoomie zone.
Hai stood mid-sentence, droning about qi regulations, when Kaboom burst through a bush, flapping with all the aerodynamic grace of a drunken kite. His tail swished. A fireball belched.
Hai's wig? Gone.
It burst into flames with the enthusiasm of a festival lantern soaked in oil.
He screamed. Tao-Tao honked. Fen dropped to her knees and whispered, "Let it begin."
Yong-Su's Reaction?
He was delighted.
"Kaboom's first direct hit!"
"That's a person!" Fen screamed.
"A target! A test dummy in robes!"
Inspector Hai dropped to the ground, rolling furiously, until Fen casually dumped a bucket over him.
"We keep those around. Just in case."
Post-Fire Debrief
Soaked, smoking, and mentally unwell, Inspector Hai sat in the guest parlor, sipping scalding tea and trembling.
"Your estate... is not standard."
"We're innovators," Father said weakly.
Hai blinked. Twice.
"Your son trained a goose militia. Your dragon is not licensed. Your maid tried to hand me an evacuation manual labeled 'Kaboompocalypse Protocol.'"
Fen, from the corner:
"Page 5 covers basic combustion triage."
Hai stood.
"I'll file a report."
"Will it be... glowing?" asked Madam, hopefully.
"It will smolder," Hai replied grimly.
Fen's New Distribution Effort
Later that evening, Fen stood at the gates handing out new pamphlets.
Titles included:
"The Sky Is Burning and It's Wearing Diapers"
"Goose-Related Evacuation Routes"
"Don't Hug the Dragon"
"If You Hear the Word 'Kaboom,' It's Already Too Late"
She also painted directional signs around the estate that all pointed one way:
→ "AWAY FROM THE FIRE."
Baby Genius Log – Night Entry
Inspector Hai status: Flammable. Screams like a flute.
Government compliance: Pending. Threat level: 4/10.
Kaboom morale: Excellent. Singed one wig, ate two scrolls, peed on a sacred bell.
Tao-Tao now wears goggles full time. May be evolving.
Fen: deeply suspicious. Also, possibly arming herself.
Next invention: Fire-triggered smoke screen for tactical naps.
That night, as fireflies danced and Tao-Tao patrolled with a flashlight strapped to his wing, Yong-Su whispered to Kaboom:
"We made contact with the authorities. That's progress."
Kaboom snorted sparks.
"Next target... trade caravans."
Tao-Tao honked in disapproval