As much as I would like to knock at the bedroom door, I could not bring myself to do so. I myself was feeling thoroughly conflicted. My body and heart desperately wanted to with all its might to be there for him but my mind was firmly against it.
Although my intentions are of good-natured and my action would be considered nothing big, I was worried that comforting him may only confuse him. I did not want him thinking I was giving him hope when all I wanted to do was return the favour.
I get that. Truly, I did. But my hand remained stuck in the air in a knocking position, still refusing to budge despite my brain screaming stop.
In the end, I forced myself to get away from the door and walked out to the patio. The further I was from the bedroom, the better! I grabbed both the fleece and the book and never looked back.
Now that my mind won over my heart, it did a stupid selfish thing that was rather ironic - the thoughts of him occupied my mind even when it chose to let go earlier on. Even so, I tried to get a hold of myself by pinching my thigh every single time my mind drifted there.
It was only when there was a tenderness on my thigh was I able to read the book in peace. Truth be told, it was more because the last few pages caught my eye to the point I hardly recognise the author of the book. As much as the diary was handwritten by me, the contents of the last entry were pure smut pages detailing every single detail of our lovemaking. It was not even poetic, only plain descriptive actions beginning from foreplay to climax, detailing sensations of orgasms after orgasms - the whole shebang until the morning after! There was even a note specifying why our sex was sooooo good that it should be a must to put them into practice!
Like, is the lady writing this ME??? Surely it could not be me. As far as I recall, I was not even this racy with Alistair at all. AT ALL!
'He was tender, sweet and thoughtful throughout.' was the only sentence that I could accept written by me but the rest???
'The warmness of his cock melts my insides, arouses the pussy juice to drip and make our lovemaking session even more smooth but it was his delicious force that resurrects me as…'
Oh god! What is this bad attempt at writing smut???
I could feel my face and ears flushing red as embarrassment and cringe filled me to the core. Heat enveloped my whole body enough that the fleece was needed no more! My innocent and unprotected eyes were slain with such immodesty that my arms were in desperate need to claw the table. I banged my head with the book trying to somehow physically remove such emotions out of me but to no avail. Even worse, my nether region was excited by the details, flowing blood downwards as it did upwards.
Sheesh! So much of wanting to take him out of my mind and now, he happened to be a permanent tenant in my head, causing myself to unnecessarily squirm in my seat. It was the fresh breeze that tickled my skin, calmed me down. While the blood had now dissipated from down below, I could confidently disclose that I embarrassingly so, had stained my underwear.
I flipped the page to another previous entry as I ignored the wetness between my thighs. Thankfully, it was not a raunchy entry but a typical day-to-day journal. Again and again, I read the diary in reverse and it was nice to catch a glimpse of my everyday past filled with normalcy. But after reading the tenth entry, I began seeing a date repeatedly mentioned that the past me seemed to be excited about.
Tenth October. I wonder what would happen on the tenth of October? On the eighth of August entry I finally had my question answered. The tenth of October was supposed to be our wedding reception.
"Hmm…," I muttered to myself, wondering if there was a calendar in the house.
I found one on the kitchen's counter but you see, I had not a single idea of what date or day it was as I had not been tracking the days ever since I woke up. I was not even sure what month we were currently at but the year. To make matters worse, there were two sides of the month on the flip calendar - one in March and another in October. For what it's worth, I would like to say it was the month of October since I remembered going to the doctor in September. But then, there were also days where I could not tell how long time passed.
'Sigh… Having a phone right now would be handy.' How I yearned for the first time of such device.
As I slumped down on the sofa, my eyes rested on the TV cabinet completely giving up and there it was in its glorious black digital number one-oh-one-oh in its display monitor. Oh, how an oh escaped my lips.
Was that why he was down in the dumps? Because it was supposed to be our wedding reception? Immediately I flipped the pages of the book and read more of the eighth of August entry. Well well well, everything seemed to fall into pieces. EVERY SINGLE thing that happened that night all began to make sense.
The deserted floor! The stroll in the maze and the explanation of the customised water fountain! The tears, the puffy eyes, the BOTTLES OF WINE! It all MADE SENSE! Like how the puzzle pieces fit perfectly with each other once done, his actions the past few days had become a revelation. All this time I thought he had plenty of work to make up for the days he had not gone to work, but it turned out to be that it doubled as he had to make alterations to the day!
How he was on his phone when he was not on his laptop. Or the times when piles of paper strewn across the table. Or the way he slipped outside to goodness knows where every single time his phone rings. My head began to spin as I realised how considerate he had been! I started to realise the slight changes in his mood every single time he talked to me or how he would put everything away to give me his full attention. The conscious effort he made for me to feel better.
Oh, he must be feeling terrible right now and I had no idea! To think it was not even the first cancellation of our wedding reception but the third??? I never wanted to be the cause of someone's misery, let alone the one who had been kind and gentle and patient with my selfish ass! Especially not when now that I have the knowledge of it and aware of the situation!
There was no more doubt. My mind and heart and body were all working together in unison. This time, I would knock on the door and be there for him. Mark my words!