His words rang in my ear and my heart thumped like never before. What was this feeling I felt in my chest? Was it gratefulness or was I touched by his words? Maybe and a very big maybe, I would like to believe it could be guilt.
After all, I had been thinking nothing nice of him almost the entire evening. I even went as far as thinking he was a creep when all he had done was being respectful with the boundaries I never set! How terrible a person am I?
I felt even more disgusted with myself when I realised he had never questioned the words I spouted. What I thought was a silly quip exchange, he had been answering in earnest. Every single time.
Even in the current situation, he was trying his best to assure me of forever. Time and time again, he had shown patience, determination and kindness towards me no matter how angry I was or how childish I acted towards him.
From Day One since I met him, he had been giving and giving and giving and I have not once returned the favour. The enormous guilt that came felt like a revelation that opened its velvety curtain, only to show my hideous self.
"I'm sorry for making you walk on eggshells around me all this time," I finally apologised, only realising how stupid and dense I had been.
"Don't. Don't apologise for something you aren't aware of."
I looked at the man who stared far beyond, plain obvious trying to avoid eye contact with me. I had a feeling if our eyes were locked, tears would welled up in his eyes. It would not be because of my apology, but because I had forced him to utter such heartbreaking words in the first place.
"Don't you think I have been giving you a hard time ever since we were together?" I asked in a hushed tone, wanting to get to the bottom of my suspicion of him and prove I was wrong.
"Never."
"Not even once?"
"No."
"Not even when I kept on losing my memories and you had to pick up after me?"
"No."
"Lies! What kind of idiot would believe that?" I pouted, unable to believe how sweet a person could be to reach this level. Or rather, patience!
"No one has to believe it as long as I know it." Despite his infamous short replies, this time it had such a deep impact on me and I had no idea why.
I observed the man, who still refused to make eye contact with me, and I saw his eyes that reflected clearly from the sides. How glossy his eyes looked.
I was not sure how to deal with the situation. Twice, this evening, I had seen him being quite vulnerable.
"It must have been difficult for you," the words escaped from my lips before I knew it and it was at those words I saw the glistening stream flowing down from his eyes.
His movement was small as his slender fingers quietly wiped the corner of his eyes. All I could afford to say was 'I'm sorry' as we sat silently in the pool before calling it a night.
Once we were home and I had my turn of shower, I decided to give the book a chance. I searched for it but surprisingly, it was nowhere to be found now that I wanted to read it. I had to wait until he finished his shower to ask for it. But boy oh boy, he sure took his time with the shower.
I tried to communicate with him but he was quick with his feet as he scurried to the bedroom. I had no chance at all to squeeze a word in. Even when I tried to follow him to the room, surprise surprise, the bedroom door was locked! The one and only room with a lock when even the shower had none.
"Umm… Sorry to disturb you but do you know where the book is?" I asked from behind the door. "I want to have a look at it," I quickly added before he had time to respond.
"Wait. I'll get it for you," he replied back with a coarse voice. Even when he exited the room, he kept his head low and scuttled out of the gate. Odd of him to be so, but it was not my place to question him. Even I myself would not like it if anyone tries to pry it out of me.
There was nothing I could do but to lighten the mood when he returned. It was even more in dire need when his hands carried not just the book I wanted but also two bottles of wine and a wineglass. It was a sight deserving of eyebrows raising.
"Did you hide them in the bushes or something?" I jokingly asked.
"No, I kept it safe in the lounge." Again, he turned his face sideways, refusing to meet my eyes when he handed me the book. While I might have an idea of his peculiar behaviour, I needed a confirmation to know my boundaries. It was only for a brief moment but a glance was enough to see how puffy his eyes looked.
I was not sure what terrible incident must have happened for him to cry his eyes out, but I knew I just had to continue pretending everything was alright. What was the point asking if he was alright when clearly he was not?
Not only that, my tease had turned to a fail and I knew it was best not to push it and to leave him alone for now. I feigned what I had seen even when it was obvious something was not right.
I thanked him and quietly took a seat by the sofa, leaving the bedroom empty for him. Even though I was the one who requested to read the book, my interest had died down as the image of him downing the alcohol beverage alone perturbed me.
My fingers were aimlessly flipping through the pages while my eyes were set on the book but my concentration was having a losing battle. Even as the pages were flipped triple and more, the only information I obtained was how much I had written in the book. Some of my handwriting neat and round and some were scribbled in cursive. But its content was all blurry as my mind went elsewhere.
My eyes kept on wanting to stare in the bedroom direction. I was contemplating whether I should accompany him when he was down like he did for me but the risk of being rejected of my presence feared me. Before I knew it, my feet were already moving on their own and I had reached right in front of the bedroom door.