Royal Magic Academy Festival Grounds, Still Somehow Standing
The second day of the school festival dawned in a blaze of banners, budget fireworks, and marital dread.
Rei staggered out of the infirmary with a daisy in one hand and a vague sense of doom in the other.
"Maybe today won't be that—" Rei murmured.
Then a bell chimed and suspiciously it was a wedding-like bell.
"Oh no," Rei whispered. "She wouldn't."
But she can, she would and she did.
In Front of the Great Hall –
"Marry Me Now" Mass Wedding Pavilion Constructed overnight by cultists wearing veils and suspicious smiles, Lilia's booth stood five times taller than any other. It was white and it was glowing.
And it had a banner that read:
"Limited-Time Matrimonial Offer: Sign Here, Receive an Eternal Soul Bond! With cupcakes."
A choir of enchanted doves flew in a perfect heart-shaped formation overhead.
Rei stared in horror. "This isn't a booth. This is a religious uprising."
Next to him, a terrified sophomore whispered, "She gave me a flower and said I was a ring-bearer but I'm allergic to responsibility."
[System Alert:
Wife Faction "Saint Bride Lilia" has activated: Mass Matrimony Protocol]
[Warning: Any signatures collected are considered magically binding.]
[Side Note: Cupcake frosting contains truth serum.]
Inside the Pavilion of Matrimonial Madness
Lilia floated gently down from a throne made entirely of lace and flower petals.
Wearing a pure white dress with gold trim, seven veils, and a glowing crown of marital ambition, she smiled sweetly.
"Welcome, my future spouses. Today, I offer you salvation... through union with our beloved Prince Rei!"
Applause erupted and Rei choked on air.
"Wait! I never agreed to—" Rei told her.
Then a paper was shoved in his hand.
It read:
"Standard Marriage Consent Form – Draft 666b"
Subtext: "By breathing near this document, you agree to all terms including but not limited to: lifelong devotion, spontaneous blood oaths, cake tastings, and holy pregnancies (optional)."
Rei tried to step back but The floor was already enchanted to bring him one step forward.
[System Message:
You are now Front Groom #1 of the Mass Wedding Queue.
Estimated Wait Time: 0.0 seconds.]
[Fun Fact: You have signed nothing. Yet somehow… you have signed everything.]
The Bride Registration Line
Dozens of students, townswomen, and one extremely confused elderly librarian stood eagerly in line, holding bouquets and daggers.
"Step right up! Get married, get eternal devotion, and a slice of red velvet!" called one veiled cultist.
"What happens if someone marries him first?" asked a curious student.
Lilia turned to her followers. "We initiate 'Trial by Devotion.' The unworthy will be purified in fire."
[System Warning:
Lilia's Fanaticism = 99.7%]
[Note: The average cultist has sharper aim than the royal guard.]
Meanwhile, in a Nearby Bush –
Rei attempted to escape via bush again.
"I refuse to be emotionally kidnapped twice in the same semester," he muttered, crawling through thorny shame.
Unfortunately, the bushes were also enchanted. They formed a heart shape and launched him directly back into the pavilion.
"WELCOME BACK!" the cult shouted in unison.
"STOP BEING SO ORGANIZED!" Rei shout loudly.
Drakana Arrives – With a Flamethrower
Drakana, in full armor and she is visibly pissed, stomped into the pavilion like an angry bridal dragon.
She pointed her sword at Lilia. "You don't get to mass-marry my fiancé!"
Lilia smiled. "I filed the paperwork."
"It was in blood!" Drakana said.
"Yes and what about yours." Lilia asked her.
"ARGH—THAT MAKES IT WORSE!"
Rei stood between them waving a flag that said "Peace?" but it immediately caught on fire.
[System Notification:
New System Mission: "Escape the Wedding Without Dying (Again)"]
[Reward: A divorce lawyer.]
[Penalty: Eternal ring pop.]
Holding a teacup, Emilia blinked at the chaos.
"Um… is this normal?"
Everyone turned to stare. Lilia's eye twitched.
"Ohh A new challenger appears."
"I just wanted to give Rei his lunch," Emilia said.
She held out a bento box. It had a note that read:
"You're kind of amazing, probably. –E"
Every bride candidate in the room gasped.
"She wrote a note!"
"That's practically a proposal!"
"She used punctuation!"
Lilia narrowed her eyes. "Everyone, Plan F. Initiate Holy Rival Protocol."
Chaos Ensues everywhere and vows Are Broken Before They're Made.
The room erupted and brides leapt into the air. Veils flew like shuriken. Petal grenades exploded in clouds of scented glitter.
Rei got tackled by a knight from Year 3 shouting, "MARRY ME OR ELSE!"
[System Critical:
[Love-Based Warfare Reached DEFCON Yandere]]
[Location Stability = -3/10]
As the Pavilion started collapsing from internal emotional detonation, Rei stood in the center, veils tangled around his arms, a fake mustache duct-taped to his lip, and three rings already forcibly placed on his fingers.
Rei is barely alive and crawled under a table as Seraphina flew overhead on Holybun, yelling "THIS MARRIAGE IS UNHOLY!"
Rosette calmly walked by and slipped a forged annulment certificate into his pocket, whispering, "I pre-nullified every marriage. You're welcome, darling."
Drakana kicked down what remained of the cake.
Lilia sat in the center of the burning wreckage, sipping from a teacup, and smiled.
"Well, We'll just schedule the next wedding for next week."
[System Notification:
Mission Failed: "Remain Legally Single"]
[New Title Acquired: "Beta Husband of the Apocalypse"]
[Surprise Bonus: Free Matching Coffins (one size fits all)]
To be continued…