Rei opened his eyes and knew, immediately, something was wrong.
Why?
Because he smelled lava.
Also—he was chained to a wooden pole suspended over a pit of boiling sulfur, with a sign above his head that read:
GRAND PRIZE: CATCH THE GROOM
In flame-forged script.
To his left, a paper mâché cutout of him smiled with a thumbs-up. To his right, a volcano.
And in front of him, surrounded by thirty-foot dragon-wing banners and cheering fire-worshipping fans, stood the architect of this insanity:
"WELCOME TO DRAKANA'S BOOTH!" the dragon-girl roared, tail swishing with unholy glee. "THIS YEAR'S FESTIVAL GAME IS CALLED—CATCH! THE! GROOM!"
The crowd screamed in delight. Mostly terrified. A little turned on.
Rei stared down at his restraints, then at Drakana, then at the 50-foot obstacle course of flaming hoops, collapsing platforms, geysers, and what looked like an enchanted lava shark swimming in a moat of pain.
"…Is this OSHA-approved?" Rei mumbled.
Drakana's eyes glowed. "WHO'S READY TO WIN A HUSBAND?!"
[System Notification: You Have Been Designated as Booth Property]
[Current Value: 1 Rei = 900 Fire Tokens]
[Note: Local fire deity has placed bets on your survival. He bet against you.]
Rei sighed. "Of course he did."
A siren blared. A torch lit up.
"LET THE GROOM GAMES BEGIN!" Drakana bellowed.
From the side gates, dozens of combat-obsessed girls sprinted onto the course, decked out in enchanted armor, festival headbands, and murder in their eyes.
Rei screamed. Internally. And externally.
"WHY AM I THE PRIZE?!"
Drakana spread her wings.
"Because you're delicious," she whispered.
"Not helping!"
The first contestant, a brawny second-year with a warhammer and marriage license tattooed on her face, leapt into the first ring of fire.
SPLASH.
She fell straight into the geyser trap and was launched thirty feet into the air, trailing hearts and regret.
The crowd cheered.
The second girl made it past the fire ring, dodged the tripwire, did a triple somersault, and almost reached the halfway point… before a dragon-shaped flamethrower spat a heart-shaped fireball that singed off her eyebrows.
She still tried to propose on the way down.
[System Alert: Player "Rei" is Experiencing Elevated Cortisol Levels]
[New Passive Unlocked: "Panic Breathe" – Breathes Faster. Solves Nothing.]
[Rei's Thoughts: I should've hidden under Emilia's table forever.]
Drakana addressed the crowd.
"TO WIN THE GROOM, YOU MUST—1) SURVIVE, 2) REACH THE PRIZE, 3) RECITE THE BLOOD-VOW VERSE!"
A hand shot up. "What's the verse?"
Drakana grinned. "Oh, it's ancient Draconic. It loosely translates to, 'Burn with me until the stars collapse and we are ash together.' Simple stuff."
A group of cultists cheered and immediately lit themselves on fire. In solidarity.
Rei tugged on his chains. "Can I opt out?!"
Drakana sauntered over, eyes glowing like molten gold.
"No," she purred. "You're the only man who made me feel something other than murder and hunger. I made this game for you."
"You built a death gauntlet to express affection?!"
"Yes. Also to test who's worthy of licking your neck."
Rei choked.
Drakana smirked. "We all express love differently."
[System Comment: This is love. Please stop asking.]
[System Bonus: Survive 1 More Minute – Earn 5 Sanity Points.]
[Current Sanity: -11]
Another contestant—one of the academy's fencing champions—leapt over a spinning blade trap, dodged three flame puffs, and reached the lava moat.
She summoned a magical ice bridge.
Rei leaned forward.
She was actually going to make it.
Then Drakana snapped her fingers.
The lava shark breached the molten surface and ate the bridge.
And her pants.
She belly-flopped into the lava moat, screaming, "STILL WORTH IT!"
Drakana tossed her a towel with Rei's face on it.
"Thanks for playing!"
Meanwhile, the Wife Factions watched from their own booths in abject horror.
Lilia: "This is a legally recognized kidnapping."
Rosette: "I made a report. To myself."
Seraphina: "This is war."
Emilia: "…Is that an obstacle shaped like a heart-shaped guillotine?"
"Yes," Rosette said. "Because nothing says 'romantic sincerity' like decapitation risk."
"I see."
And yet…
The crowd grew.
Even faculty joined the audience. Rei saw at least one of his professors waving a Drakana flag.
The dean sat under a parasol, sipping a cocktail labeled "Liquid Regret."
"…Should we intervene?" asked a passing noblewoman.
"Madam," the dean said, "I have tenure. I do not interfere with romance-based death sports. That's policy."
Back at the pit, Rei tried bargaining.
"Drakana. Sweet. Beautiful. Destructive Drakana. Can't we have a romantic dinner instead?"
She paused.
Then nodded.
"…Sure."
Rei blinked. "Wait, really?"
"Right after someone wins you."
"Of course."
[System Update: Countdown to Capture – 00:59 Remaining]
[Event Title: Flaming Wife Rush – Sponsored by 'Hotter Than Hell Inc.']
[Note: You might want to clench.]
Suddenly, a shadow flew across the course.
It was Rosette.
She had bypassed all traps using stealth, invisibility, and subtle knife intimidation.
She landed in front of Rei. Calm. Deadly. Smiling.
Drakana narrowed her eyes.
"You again."
Rosette tilted her head. "I brought a gift."
From her cloak, she pulled out a marriage knife with Drakana's name engraved… upside down.
"A challenge," Rosette said softly. "One-on-one."
The crowd screamed.
Rei screamed louder. "CAN I HAVE A SAY IN THIS?!"
"No," they both said in unison.
[System Notification: Secret Boss Fight Triggered – "Yandere vs Dragon: Reign of Blood"]
[Spectators: 412]
[Rei's Heart Rate: Unprintable]
What followed was a battle of apocalyptic flirtation.
Drakana roared, unleashing firestorms and clawed passion.
Rosette countered with deadly grace, deflecting with knives, smoke bombs, and emotionally weaponized glances.
Sparks flew. Literally and metaphorically.
Someone in the crowd fainted from sheer romantic pressure.
Rei, still chained, muttered to himself.
"I should've become a farmer."
Then, through the chaos—
A cup of tea entered his view.
Emilia.
She'd snuck through the chaos.
Held up a cup.
"Lavender again?" she asked sweetly.
He nodded. Trembled. Drank.
And watched as Rosette and Drakana collapsed from exhaustion, smoke rising from their mouths and hearts.
The crowd erupted in a cheer.
"DO WE HAVE A WINNER?!" someone shouted.
Drakana rose weakly. "Y-yes…"
She pointed at Rei.
"I... I win... by default."
Rosette lifted one finger. "I stabbed the final trap. Technically, I win."
Lilia appeared suddenly in the crowd with a megaphone.
"I married him during lunch!"
Seraphina flew in glowing like a comet. "Your competitions are irrelevant. We're soul-bound."
Emilia blinked. "I just made him tea."
A collective pause.
Then the crowd shouted in unison—
"SHE'S CLEARLY THE MOST DANGEROUS ONE!"
[System Update:]
[Event Ended – Emotional Fallout: Catastrophic]
[Rei's Condition: 1 HP and 3 Scones]
[New Title Unlocked: "Festival Hostage #1"]
[Bonus Trait: +5 Fire Resistance – Gained by Proximity Marriage Exposure]
Rei lay in the remains of the platform.
Surrounded by flames, suitors, declarations of eternal love, and his own tears.
"…Why are all these events based on catching me?" he whispered.
Drakana snuggled up beside him.
"Because you run so adorably."
Emilia offered him tea.
Rosette sharpened a knife.
Seraphina began drafting a holy proclamation.
Lilia held up a marriage certificate for "All Of Us, Together, Forever."
Rei screamed softly inside.
To be continued…