The night sky over Osaka shimmered with neon reflections. Inside a sixth-floor apartment, surrounded by empty cup ramen, unopened mail, and a disturbing number of bubble-wrapped packages, Derek O'Connell was living his final fantasy.
He stood in reverence, arms wide, as the final bolts were tightened on his magnum opus: a 1:1 scale figure of Lady Asunaria Bladefluff, Crimson Bride of Chaos, complete with removable cape, twelve interchangeable facial expressions, and an LED-lit emotional tracking ring.
Derek wiped a single tear.
"She's... beautiful."
He'd sold nearly everything to buy her.
His game consoles. His ergonomic waifu-themed gaming chair. Even the special edition toaster with Asunaria's face on it.
But she was finally here. Towering, elegant, gracing his living room like the divine plastic she was.
"I don't care if I die poor," he whispered, cupping her PVC cheek. "I die fulfilled."
Then the figure wobbled.
Just slightly.
His eyes widened. "No... wait—waitwaitwait—!"
But physics had already punched in for work.
With a slow-motion creak, the Crimson Bride of Chaos toppled forward like a vengeful goddess of questionable balance.
CRRRUUUNNCH.
The plastic base slammed into Derek's chest, knocking him flat onto the carpet. A katana accessory impaled his gaming mouse.
He gasped. "Oof. Okay. Okay, maybe she's just cuddling aggressively—"
He couldn't move.
He was pinned. By his anime wife.
A full-sized limited-edition goddess was crushing the life from his lungs.
He grinned weakly, blood dribbling from the corner of his mouth.
"Totally... worth it..."
Inside Karma-1's cab, Riku was reading Derek's soul file with a mix of pity, secondhand embarrassment, and mild concern.
📄 SOUL: DEREK O'CONNELL💻 Subtype: Otaku Maximus💀 Cause of Death: Anime figurine trauma🧾 Reincarnation Request: "I wanna be a vending machine. Like, a godly one. Put me in a dungeon. Make me mysterious. I want people to whisper about my snacks."
Riku stared at the bottom note, handwritten in all caps:
"MUST HAVE:– Ramune– Potato sticks– Limited-time seasonal melon soda– Hidden gacha tier with legendary loot"
"…This guy's gonna break the system, isn't he?" Riku muttered.
Karma-1 honked once in grim confirmation.
"Just make it quick," Ginger Snap's voice crackled through the soul line. "He's in slow-death mode, which is technicallynot allowed. Accelerate impact. No style points necessary."
"Oh thank god," Riku sighed. "After Mimi, I need a clean hit."
"Hey," Karma-1 said. "You want to play the death theme again?"
"No."
"…Too bad."
🎵 "When the waifu falls, so do youuuuu~" 🎵– Sung by Snicker Dude, badly
The world outside warped.
Derek wheezed.
Lady Asunaria's plastic knee was on his diaphragm. Her hair tendrils (sculpted with love) poked him in the eye.
He could hear the distant sound of a horn.
"Is that... the Honk of Ascension?" he murmured deliriously. "I'm finally going to the sacred gacha realm..."
His vision blurred.
A crackling blue vortex formed in the center of the room.
Then, with a flash of cosmic light, Karma-1 burst through the wall like a majestic juggernaut of divine bureaucracy.
Riku leaned out the window. "Hey. Derek?"
"Yyyyep," Derek croaked from under the PVC weight.
"Your time's up. We're here to, uh... finalize your transition."
Derek weakly gave a thumbs-up. "Please... make me a vending machine..."
"Yeah. Sure. Just stay still."
"…Literally cannot move."
HOOONK.
WHAM.
Derek vanished in a swirl of soda bubbles, glowing chips, and a disembodied anime voice whispering, "Snack me, senpai..."
THUD.
Derek landed face-first on the welcome mat, crushing a sign that read "Caution: Slippery When Dead."
He stood up, blinking. "Whoa. Is this... limbo?"
"No," Ginger Snap said flatly. "This is paperwork."
He handed Derek a soul-pen and a clipboard titled:
📄 REINCARNATION FORM: WEIRD REQUESTS – INORGANIC EDITION
"List your top ten snack preferences, storage temperature tolerance, and whether you plan to dispense soul coins."
Derek's eyes lit up. "Oh my god, this is better than a skill tree."
"You'll need to pick a dungeon environment too," Macaron added, entering dramatically. "We've got 'Mossy Cavern,' 'Haunted Library,' or 'Technodisco Ruins.'"
"YES."
"That's not an option," Ginger said.
Riku wandered in, still brushing figurine glitter off his sleeves. "Guy really died for his anime wife, huh?"
"He went out like a simp legend," Snicker Dude said proudly, skateboarding by with a gacha capsule stuck to his forehead.
Derek looked around.
"Okay. So. How do I do this? Like, how does one become a vending machine?"
Ginger opened his mouth to answer.
Then his eyes went wide.
A siren blared above the Bureau ceiling.
⚠️ SYSTEM ERROR: VENDO-SOUL FORMAT NOT FOUND ⚠️
"Oh no," Ginger hissed. "He broke the reincarnation formatting matrix."
"He did what?" Macaron gasped.
Snicker Dude grinned and reached for a glowing lever labeled "EMERGENCY GACHA OVERRIDE – DO NOT TOUCH."
"Wait—" Ginger yelled.
KACHUNK.
Everything went white.