FOUR YEARS AGO
Fuck. Him again. It's Devon.
Right there. Standing in front of me. Like nothing ever happened.
Like he didn't tear me apart.
Like he didn't expose me to the whole world.
His eyes are on me — unbothered.
And me?
I'm frozen.
My chest tightens.
A storm of love, hate, and a slow-burning ache that eats me alive.
That stupid flutter in my stomach? Still there.
Still him. Still this.
I should slap him.
I should spit on him.
But no.
My heart — that idiot — skips.
And I let him come closer.
He smiles. That smile.
The one that used to mean forever.
The one that promised me the moon...
And left me drowning in the dark.
He touches my cheek. Soft. Slow. Too familiar.
I want to cry. I want to scream.
But more than anything,
I want him.
I know everything he did.
The video.
The stares.
The whispers.
The humiliation.
I was the girl everyone saw. Raw. Naked. Loud.
Used.
And still...
Still, I ache.
He leans in, breath warm on my lips.
His eyes flicker to my mouth.
I don't move.
— I love you,
I whisper.
Like an idiot.
He says nothing.
Of course he doesn't.
He knows he owns me.
Still.
Even now.
His mouth crashes on mine.
I melt. Again.
His hand slides down my back.
Grabs my ass.
Pulls me closer.
And I let him.
He pushes me against the wall.
Bites my neck.
I moan — breathless.
His teeth, his hands — they spark something deep and electric inside me.
I'm already soaked.
He lifts me like nothing.
Pulls off his shirt.
I yank off mine.
Skin to skin.
His chest grazes my nipples.
They harden instantly.
My panties? Drenched.
My thighs? Shaking.
He looks at me like I'm his.
And fuck, I wish I wasn't.
I drop to my knees.
No hesitation.
No fear.
Just the need to make him forget everything — and remember only me.
He unbuckles his belt.
Unzips.
Pulls down.
His cock is hard. Thick. Demanding.
I spit on it — just enough.
And take him into my mouth.
Slow. Deep.
He grips my hair. Tight.
Pushes in.
Harder.
My throat clenches. My eyes water.
But I don't stop.
I want to hear him groan.
I want to ruin him.
I want him to forget every other girl.
He moans. Deep.
His grip tightens.
He starts thrusting.
In my mouth.
I gag, tears burning.
He owns me in that moment.
And I let him.
Even if it breaks me more.
He pulls out.
Lifts me.
Throws me onto the bed.
I lie there, chest rising. Panties soaked. Legs open.
Shameless. Broken. Ready.
He strips. Fast.
No hesitation.
Just hunger.
He grabs a condom.
Looks at it.
Drops it.
— We don't need that, he says.
I don't argue.
I should. But I don't.
I'm already his.
He enters me in one brutal thrust.
I cry out.
Pain. Pleasure. Everything at once.
He fucks me hard.
No mercy.
Like he's trying to erase me.
Like he's angry I still want him.
Each thrust is a reminder:
He doesn't love me.
He just needs to feel powerful.
I scream.
I claw.
I let him ruin me.
And I come.
Like the fool I am.
---
Hours later.
He's gone.
Of course he is.
No message.
No "take care."
No warmth.
He went back to her.
His real girl.
The one he shows off.
The one he chooses.
The one he picks when I'm not "enough."
And me?
Just a body.
A hole he fills when it suits him.
I dress in silence.
Every inch of me hurts.
My heart, most of all.
I leave the key under the plant.
Like always.
Call an Uber.
Don't look back.
---
They all saw the video.
My body. My moans.
Me, raw. Exposed.
Vulnerable.
They laughed.
No one cared.
Not even him.
And yet...
I go back.
Every time.
Because he was my first.
Because his name is carved into my skin.
Because I can't imagine anyone else in his place.
Because I believed him when he said forever.
In the Uber, I want to scream.
But I don't.
I bite my lip until it bleeds.
I hold it in.
Barely breathing.
I remember his hands holding mine.
His lips on my forehead.
Not the lust. The love.
The real thing.
Or what I thought was real.
He once looked at me like I was his whole universe.
Now I'm not even a flicker.
Just a girl he used.
And left.
---
The Uber stops.
I get out.
I open the door.
And there he is.
My father.
Sitting. Waiting. Still. Cold.
— You wanna explain what the fuck I just watched?
His voice is a blade.
— You're sixteen, goddammit!
And you let some guy... do that to you?
He slams his fist into the wall.
I flinch.
He yells.
He spits words like poison:
"Shame."
"Disgust."
"Lost."
"Slut."
But he doesn't understand.
None of them do.
They think it was sex.
That it was about being easy.
Or wild.
Or reckless.
But it wasn't.
It was love.
All I ever did… was love him.
---
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