In the Heavenly Realm's Office of Celestial Debts, a glowing scroll flickered red.
"ENTITY WHISKERS – OUTSTANDING DEBT: 700 YEARS' WORTH OF CELESTIAL PROPERTY TAXES"
Somewhere, in a tower made of golden calculators, Tax Magistrate Qiang Tu, Supreme Auditor of Realms, adjusted his glasses and grinned.
"Azure Cloud Sect. You've dodged my forms long enough."
He snapped his fingers. A storm cloud appeared beneath his feet.
He descended.
Part II – Arrival at the Sect
Magistrate Qiang Tu arrived like a thunderclap.
Robed in contracts, armored with quills, eyes glowing with inked law. Floating behind him were seventeen ledgers and a spirit beast certified stamp golem.
Disciples screamed.
Elder Mei fainted.
Xi-Xi caught him mid-air. "IT'S A TAX GUY!"
"Where is the beast known as Whiskers?" Qiang Tu roared. "He owes seven centuries' worth of realm fees for his divine shrine!"
A disciple whispered, "He doesn't even own it. He sleeps there."
"Then he's subject to the Divine Occupancy Clause!" Qiang Tu snapped.
Whiskers appeared.
He yawned. Sat. Stared.
"You are accused of tax evasion on seven planar levels," Qiang Tu began.
Whiskers tilted his head.
"I have legal authorization to seize property, spiritual assets, and excessive pillows."
Whiskers licked his paw.
"You have the right to appeal through heavenly channels, but only if—"
bat
The magistrate vanished.
Part III – The Toy Incident
When he reappeared, Qiang Tu had shrunk to the size of a squeaky dumpling. His robes were now soft felt. His hat was knitted.
Whiskers picked him up by the scruff.
Xi-Xi shrieked, "MASTER TURNED HIM INTO A TOY!"
Whiskers batted him down the mountain stairs. The disciples watched him bounce like a fuzzy stress ball.
The sect cheered.
Part IV – Legal Repercussions
Up in the Celestial Realm, chaos erupted.
"He turned the Auditor into a chew toy!"
"Is that even legal?!"
"Well, technically he's divine, and the property was never actually titled—"
By the time they sorted out whether Whiskers had the right to reject taxation via metaphysical rebuttal, it was too late.
Qiang Tu was purring.
He now lives in the shrine. Occasionally gets flung into walls when Whiskers is bored.
Still keeps the books balanced.
Part V – The New Tax Policy
In a panic to avoid further "rebuttals," the Celestial Bureau released a public statement:
"The Cat Known As Whiskers is Now Considered a Tax-Exempt Natural Phenomenon."
"He may not be audited, charged, fined, or approached while napping."
"Property tax applies to all non-feline residents of the Azure Cloud Sect."
Whiskers curled up in a sunbeam.
"Too much noise for a bill."
Elder Mei brought grilled fish and said reverently, "You've defeated bureaucracy, Master."
"No," Whiskers replied.
"I ate it."
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Extra: The Collected Teachings of Master Whiskers (As Interpreted by Misguided Cultivators)
Note from Elder Mei:
"None of these were actually taught by Whiskers. But they are widely believed anyway. Please do not form cults. Again."
1. "The Way of the Nap is the Highest Dao"
"To be still is to understand all movement.
To nap is to transcend time.
To transcend time is to escape homework."
—Taught at five separate sects. One includes compulsory hammock training.
2. "If You Cannot Win, Sleep"
"Battles are temporary. Sleep is eternal.
If they challenge you—yawn.
If they persist—bat them off a cliff."
—Motto of the Azure Cloud Disciplinary Hall.
3. "The Dao Is a Fish"
"The Dao swims.
The Dao has scales.
The Dao is grilled with honey glaze."
—Debated by philosophers for 300 years. Turns out Whiskers was just hungry.
4. "Staring at Things Makes Them Obey"
"Want to levitate a sword? Stare.
Want to grow a flower? Stare.
Want to stop your enemies? Stare while licking your paw."
—Led to an entire martial art called "The Unblinking Claw."
5. "Kill With Kindness. Or With Claws. Whichever Is Funnier"
"Forgiveness is divine.
Unless they touch your blanket."
—Used to justify three duels and a passive-aggressive bake sale.
6. "The Dao Tree Is My Fan"
"It rustles for me.
It drops leaves for me.
We do not speak, but we understand."
—Sect gardeners now plant offerings for the tree. The tree has not confirmed anything.
7. "I Am the Law of Fluff"
"Do not defy fluff.
You cannot punch fluff.
Fluff contains secrets of space and time."
—Inscribed in gold above the new Cultivator Lounge (which is shaped like a curled cat).
8. "Screaming Loudly Can Be Cultivation"
"The phoenix chick is proof.
She chirped a flower into enlightenment.
Volume = Dao?"
—Inspired the "Loud Voice Cultivation Sect" which exploded five weeks later.
9. "The True Headpat Is Internal"
"Don't seek approval. Seek the purr within."
"No pats given. No pats needed."
—Beloved by angsty teen disciples. Frequently quoted in moody poetry scrolls.
10. "Don't Try. Just Be. And Maybe Slap Something."
"Effort is irrelevant.
Be still. Be smug.
Deliver justice with one (1) casual paw tap."
—Final philosophy of the Sect's Guardian Path.
⚠️ Final Warning: Do Not Build Shrines Without Permission
The last time someone made a golden Whiskers statue with lasers for eyes, he peed on it. It exploded.
All spiritual devotion must go through Approved Offerings Council (Chairwoman: Xi-Xi).