This is going to be a revealing one for me. What was the accident? What did it happen to me?
I am what I consider a normal human. I work every day for what I say are 8 hours, but after COVID, we all know it's not like that. Things changed, and society had a different level of pressure that broke a part of my perception without me noticing. I think we as a society try to ignore and forget, to force things to be all the same, but they are not, and we are suffering in silence from a war that took us years, and that pursuit is breaking our bodies and our minds.
10th of December 2023
The day of the accident.
My last message on slack was:
"Sorry for the mess. If I were still in control, I would honestly say it"
My accident was not a physical one, but a mental one. How do you feel your mind to know that is burning, breaking, at the border of disintegrating? I had no idea.
Earlier that day, I tried to work, normally, I came from a quick holiday break, and the idea was to keep it together because it was already too much.
But that day my mind broke. I couldn't, I was unable to function, the tools I built, the code I wrote, the characters that I created, the skills that I have honed for my whole life.
Disconnected.
My brain could function, but my body would not react. The only way I can describe it was when I first bungy jumped in Vancouver.
It was the 24th of January, 2022, in Whistler, Canada. Cheakamus River.
The day before my birthday.
We took a trip to celebrate my birthday, a group of marvellous friends, one of the best trips of my life. Monchus, Chrisana, Franito,
The company was paying, and I needed a break from all the work, and a getaway from a heavy episode of depression… we moved during Covid to Canada, yeah… but what if.
The day we were jumping was clear; it was the trip of a lifetime. Whistler is a winter resort, with skiing, snowboarding, snowmobiling, steaming raclette, hot tub. You name it.
For the mind that is used to this, sounds like a good holiday, for the mind that is not, sounds like the unknown, and the unknown can be scary.
That day was one of those mornings, a sunny day with no clouds. The winter is colder in January. Imagine a clear sky, blue with a lovely gradient of absolute deep blue, that one that sucks you out, no clouds nothing, just a soft gradient on the horizon, lighter blue, a bit of air, almost as if it has its light, just being cut by the seesaw Of the Douglas Fern trees, those evergreen pines, taller than the mountains that break the view. Those beautiful snowy mountains that you can find in the coldest places on earth, curiously, the week before the accident, we were travelling via train over the Austrian Alps, near Leöben, another of those magical places where the snow peaks at you from the canopy of the trees and the mountains take your breath away with a single view. Magnificent.
Chrispo was driving a big car, a big road. But it got smaller, the road, not the car. They now started to eat away the road bit by bit when we were getting closer to the bungy place, It was not just on the borders of the pavement anymore, it was trying to recover the space that humans have long taken, like the tall mountains from afar, the snow was piling on the sides of the road making it tighter and tighter, now the car is too big for the road. On icy roads, the asphalt is not grey anymore; the white blends with the grey and the reflections from afar. Tight, scary.
You can feel the nature around you, this place feels wild, we start to feel anxious in the car, "La calle de las sirenas" sounds on the playlist that Monse made before the time for all of us to put the music we wanted for the road trip. That's her magic.
{ emotion travels through time }
The vibe is happy, we are having the time of our lives, but nature is wild. Two emotions juxtaposed fully on top of each other, the car, the nature.
Our emotions mix and balance while the intensity of nature starts to overtake our reality, the tall trees hide almost all of the sky, and the light shines from the back of the trees with a warm green, almost yellow, the sky, the trees, the now, and the road. Us. Imagínate a las sirenas en la lunaaaaaaaaaaa. someone.
We arrived after turning here and there, and the road up was emotional. The light glows its 2 pm, and here, the golden hour lasts for longer. In Latin America, the golden hour is just a fleeting moment in time; you breathe, and it's gone.
Here, it's timeless, hours of this golden rim of nothingness that make you whole.
The moment that it hits you is not when you get out of the car, and the voices are anxious, is not when the cold of nature hits you in the face, or when you look at the massive mountains, its when you sign the paper saying that you May Die, and that its your responsibility. Big word that one. It's real now. Sounds off, nature is here.
We don't notice it there, but our voices are shaky, going up to the bridge has us out of breath, it's not a transport bridge, no, this is just for bungee jumping. Fran is nervous; she is not jumping this time. It's the second time for Chris-ana; they are doing it backwards, those madmen.
We are in the middle of two massive mountains, trees snow and the river a small river from here at the bottom. The river looks massive. God this is tall.
The fact that there are taller mountains on the horizon, does not help, how high are we if we can see more mountains?
Of course, I go first. Fucking idiot. That fast mind is going to break you one day you know that right?
Crazy hair, 92 kg, a starry hoodie that Chrisana gave me for Xmas. I am scared, fucking hell I am barely coping. It's my second time near bungee, I couldn't even want to do it the first time. This is the second time. I must.
When I look at the picture of myself, over expressive, hands up, mouth open, crazy hair, blue harness on, it tightens you on the back folds to the front, then the hips, then the legs. It gives you comfort.
You must believe that the big, thick rope ( they put the thickest rope for me ) is going to hold; the fact that they changed it to the thickest did not help.
It must hold because it's what is going to save your life; that's your rule. It's your responsibility. Please hold.
It's my turn, I move to the front, and the guy with the ropes who was blocking my view of the border moves away; it's my turn.
I am minuscule, the sun is in front, and I hear Don't look down, it's easier that way, but how, why would a sane mind go through all this for it not to look? I should have listened to them and not to the voice in my mind.
I looked, fuck. I have a fast mind. That moment, that single moment was enough, I looked.
Death, it's … magnificent. The survival instinct is so massive that the mind cannot control.
"Look here!", Monse called me for a picture. I looked, and my arms are holding the rails of the border so hard now that I looked at the picture. I have looked already, just that I don't know.
My teeth are clenching, I don't have the open-mouth smile anymore, it's a thin line of unknown, like when you ask a kid to smile, the muscles move weirdly and end up being a funny forced face, that was it. I was breaking already. Death, the survival instinct, was controlling my body, and I did not know it yet. I just felt the silence, my mind spiralling. Silence.
Keep it together, dammit.
Tall, my toes are beyond the border, I made the conscious movement to move carefully, and put my feet at the border of the platform, that border between myself and nothingness.
If I knew before that one step before was better, instead of the step to the unknown, once you have an impulse, the mind unlocks. But I do not know that then.
My arms are tight. My fingers are grabbing the metal fence at hip high on both sides of my body, like I am about to deadlift my whole fucking weight tight.
"Sonría!", that's their magic, I raise my right hand, my feet is 5 cm on outside of the platform, my smile looks more like a scream of absolute fear, my right hand can not fully let go by I try, half of my fingers are relaxed, the other have look like I am having a stroke. Emotion feels like a picture; it freezes time.
"arms up" I hear from the back, another voice, milder this one. Grabs my arms and puts them up. My core rotates but my legs don't move. The lock happened there, the moment I lifted my arms, that same moment that I looked down.
Breath in, that kind of breath that you feel with your lower teeth, the one that sounds like inverse breathing. My arms are relaxed, it's time, I have been waiting for this moment for such a long time, and it's Glorious, the trees, the view, oh my god, the view. It's a place to die for. Fuck.
Wrong turn, the foot, the eye, the look, the fear, all the things I did not notice because I was too busy trying to pretend I was not scared, excited, but scared.
That's the moment, that's how it felt when they repeated to me, "Go".
MOVE!
My brain is screaming to me, but I can not listen, MOVE!
I hear them
"GO Jesus !" not sure who was first, I remember Chrispo then the cacophony of sounds brings me back.
MOVE!
Fear, FUCKING MOOOOOOVE ! We want this!! COME ON! You can not FAIL!!!!!
nothing.
My head was disconnected. My logical brain had no control; my instinct took over. Just like now.
Trembling hands, it's hard to swallow, swallowing is not a function you have on survival, you spit out, don't swallow. Pressure on the chest, you forget to breathe, no oxygen. Teary eyes, my heart has to be going insane. I am ready to run. I want to cry, why my body and my mind don't communicate, I am not in danger, why are you hijacking me, I can see, I can feel what to do, but there is no way to do it, my body took control of my mind. The link is lost, the link between the mind and the body disconnected, my emotional being is free, and my logical break has no anchor, the instinct took over. That was the accident, that's the only time I can recollect, felt like it.
The hands have been trembling for a while, I did not notice at the time, years maybe, if I could just hear my body before like he was listening to be… Until it just didn't.
Fear and survival, strong instincts.