Ryan audition process is simple: give it your all and if you get it that's fine but if you don't it's also fine. Although some nerves are inevitable, his hand was shaking a bit causing some of the coffee to spill on his scuffed Dr. Martens.
He scanned the room which was so familiar he could draw it from memory: a stale white prison filled with young, fidgety actors sizing up their own meager resume with the rest of the poor lot. He saw Penn Badgley, an oddity considering his success with Gossip Girl, flirting with the receptionist and was quickly aware of the competition. His name was called by the CD associate with a smile that was more than polite.
'So l have to be better than him. He was good as Seth Bragman.'
To be honest, he is a fan of Penn's, he liked the show You and his podcast (who didn't have a pod those days) was insightful to a struggling actor. But deep down he knew given the chance he could show the essence of Seth to its fullest extent.
20 minutes later Penn came back with a grin that embodied confidence. He ignored Penn's walk towards him and started to calm his breathing.
"Ryan Stone" the assistant called out.
He jumped out of his seat and went inside the small room filled with the Casting Director, the CD assistant, Camera Operator, and a reader.
Susan Shopmaker, the CD, was flipping through a notebook when she looked up at Ryan.
"Hello. State your name and agency for me please."
"Ryan Stone. Gersh Agency" looking at the camera.
"Thank you. Seth Bragman is a young greedy analyst who wants to make it big in Wall Street like Will Emerson. But his world crashed down when he realized he is getting fired from the firm because it over-leveraged on toxic mortgage-backed securities. You have the scene with you?"
"Yes"
"Begin when you're ready"
Will and Seth are driving slowly towards downtown Manhattan which spans up and out in front of them through the windshield. There is a long silence, and finally.
"So, am I getting fired." Ryan said with a slow and rejected voice.
Ryan instantly recalled his last few days before the overdose. He was the consummate actor without the big break. So when the lead role came in he was going to celebrate big on its opening week until he saw the feedback. Tears came out and the only thing he could do was to drink.
Im such a waste. I wanna go home to see her. l have no future.
He looked at the Don Julio and the quiet feeling of one's career slipping away permeated presence.
The reader's voice brought him back. "Probably. yes...almost definitely. "
"Oh. Why?"
The sadness that came out of that single word was enough to freeze the entire room. Susan who was just going through the motions was floored. Susan thought that Ryan was just another pretty face—a common sight in the business. She was confident that Penn would get the role but now she was confused.
'He has potential. But who is he? Let me test him'
"That was great, Ryan. I was wondering if you could read a different scene."
The dread that was apparent in his face lighten a bit when he said, "Sure".
"Okay. You're crying on the toilet due to being fired and Jared the CEO comes in to shave."
Ryan grabs the chair and his mind goes back to the loss of his mother weeks before the death of his career and life.
Acting was all I had after that. It was supposed to show her my love. She was always so supportive and she never...saw her son succeed. But, shame or disappointment was never on her face. The awkward Thanksgivings when the unavoidable question would be asked to her: "Is he still acting?" You would always smile back and beam with pride while I shuffled out of the conversation with my head turned down. You kept all of my mementos from sets and treasured them like family heirlooms.
"You just fired me." Ryan whose expression looks like he is burying two lives—his mother's and the one she dreamed for him.
"Im sorry..." The reader who is transfixed by Ryan's performance.
Ryan pauses for four seconds which attracts attention from everyone in the room. Susan closes her eyes and just wants to hug him.
"This is all l've ever wanted to do" Ryan and Seth said.
Have l ever said anything truer?
The room goes silent.