Hell had many rules.
Don't insult the lava.
Don't feed the eyeball plants after midnight.
And absolutely, under no circumstances, should you brush your teeth near a summoning circle.
Unfortunately, Lila found that last one out the hard way.
"Kael," she whispered.
"Yes, darling?" he answered from under the bed, where he was fixing a cursed sock drawer that had grown fangs.
"I think I summoned something with my toothbrush."
A pause.
"...Again?"
She pointed at the glowing red circle now etched into her bathroom floor. Inside it sat a creature that looked like a poodle, a tank, and a meatball got into a teleportation accident.
It wagged its spiked tail.
Kael poked his head out. "Oh. That's a hellhound."
"It just tried to eat my mouthwash."
"Then it likes you."
"It just burped fire and the wall is melting."
Kael stood, brushing soot from his hair. "Well, at least it's house-trained. Mostly."
The hellhound pounced onto Lila's lap and purred like a dying vacuum cleaner. She blinked.
"Can I keep it?"
Kael frowned. "It's bonded to you now. So yes. But I'm not walking it."
"I summoned it. I'll handle it."
Five seconds later, the hellhound was on the ceiling, barking Latin.
"I take it back!" Lila shouted. "It needs professional help!"
***
Later that day, Lila found herself sitting in what the demons called "The Royal Registry of Accidental Summons." It was located between the Department of Eternal Screaming and the gift shop.
She filled out Form 66b: "Creature Manifested Via Hygiene Ritual," signed the waiver that said *"I understand my summoned entity may bite, judge, or emotionally manipulate me,"* and was issued a collar labeled: **"DEMON DOG MOM."**
Kael was waiting outside, holding a leash that was actively trying to strangle him.
"This is your fault," he said, eyes bloodshot.
"You married me."
The leash wrapped around his horns and tried to braid them.
"I was young. Stupid. Half-asleep."
"You're still half-asleep."
The hellhound barked and exploded a decorative bench. Several imps applauded.
***
Back at the castle, the situation escalated.
The hellhound—whom Lila had named "Murdermuffin"—chased the Bone Butler into the fireplace, chewed through a dimensional curtain, and tried to romance a coat rack.
Lila was impressed.
"I like him," she said, sipping tea while Murdermuffin chewed on reality. "He's got personality."
Kael groaned. "He's got rabies."
"He's misunderstood."
"He just bit a painting and gave it depression."
"He's emotional."
Kael flopped into a lava couch. "At this point, I'm more afraid of you than the dog."
Lila grinned. "That's how I like it."
Just then, a demonic footman burst in. He was missing a boot, two eyebrows, and some dignity.
"Your Majesties!" he panted. "There's a delegation from the Upper Pits! They're here for... the Ruling Compatibility Test!"
Kael and Lila exchanged a look.
"The what now?" Lila asked.
Kael winced. "Oh... right. That old tradition."
The footman continued, trembling. "The test to determine if your marriage is strong enough to rule the Seven Circles of Hell."
Murdermuffin burped smoke in response.
Lila sighed. "Fine. Let's take the test. How hard can it be?"
Kael gave her a long, haunted look.
***
Ten minutes later, they were sitting in matching thrones in front of a flaming stage while a panel of ancient demons in powdered wigs stared down at them like evil judges from a gothic game show.
A booming voice announced: "Welcome to... *HELL'S PERFECT COUPLE!*"
Lila blinked. "Excuse me?"
A spotlight hit them. A host demon with eight eyes and a sequined cloak danced out.
"Let's test your compatibility! Round one: MIND MELD!"
The demon turned to Lila. "Your husband's favorite type of suffering?"
Lila narrowed her eyes. "...People stepping on LEGO."
Kael looked stunned. "How did you know?!"
"I live with you. I've seen your rage."
The judges nodded approvingly.
"Round two!" the host bellowed. "Who snores like a banshee?"
"Kael," Lila and Kael said in unison.
A bell dinged.
"Final round!" the host twirled. "Would you die for each other?"
Lila paused. Looked at Kael.
He stared at her.
"...No," they both said flatly.
The judges blinked.
Then nodded in approval.
"Honesty," one whispered. "Rare and terrifying."
"True hell love," another muttered.
The crowd of demons stood and applauded. Murdermuffin howled.
Lila leaned toward Kael. "So... we passed?"
Kael blinked. "I think we just became Hell's official It Couple."
"Oh no."
"Oh yes."
"I need stronger tea."
"I need more leash."
Murdermuffin started singing.
In Latin.