The crowd trembled like overcaffeinated chihuahuas as the sky erupted into a light show that would put a Vegas rave to shame. Emperor Xia had gone full *Avengers: Endgame* mode just to take down Qin Feng—a guy who, let's be real, probably forgot to return library books on time. But nooo, the emperor had to deploy enough troops to colonize Mars, all because Qin Feng's résumé included "Possesses Emperor-Level Talent (probably)."
"Wow, someone's compensating!" Qin Feng muttered under his breath, squinting at the horizon.
The ground quaked like a T-Rex doing the cha-cha as 100,000 soldiers marched in, their black "Qin" banners flapping like edgy concert flags. Behind Qin Feng, five more ancestral grandpas materialized—Clan Elders Five through Nine—looking like they'd just stormed out of a retirement home bingo brawl.
Lin San's jaw dropped. "Bro, I thought *my* drama was extra, but this? This is Taylor Swift-level theatrics!"
Tensions soared higher than a SpaceX rocket. Imperial Commander Chang Kun, sporting a villainous goatee and a halberd glowing like a neon dildo, sneered, "So the Qins are really gonna die for this twink?"
Elder Five, the clan's resident sassmaster, yawned. "We'll handle our brat *in-house*. Now scram before I revoke your Costco membership."
The noble clans, meanwhile, vibed like gossipy soccer moms. "Just kill him already!" one shouted, hiding behind a popcorn bucket. "We've got brunch reservations!"
Zi Yuan—Qin Feng's ride-or-die strawberry-shortcake of a sidekick—clutched a jade pendant, her face screaming "I watched *Frozen* twice and I'm *ready*." She'd seen Qin Feng share his snacks with random forest creatures! How could someone who cried during *Bambi* be a bone-stealing monster?
"Back off, you bullies!" she yelled, channeling her inner Disney princess. "Or I'll—I'll call my mom!"
Chang Kun rolled his eyes. "Oh no, a glow stick! Everyone tremble!"
*Crack.*
Zi Yuan yeeted the pendant like it was a mic drop. The sky split open with a *BRRRRT* louder than a dubstep drop, revealing… a turtle. A *colossal*, grumpy-faced turtle-shelled beast that made Godzilla look like a gecko. Perched atop its head stood a woman so radiant she'd make Aphrodite swipe left in jealousy—Red Dress Lady, whose beauty could probably end wars (or start new ones).
"Sup, losers?" the turtle boomed in a voice that shook Starbucks cups three continents away.
The crowd collectively peed a little. Even Chang Kun's halberd suddenly looked like a pool noodle. "Uh… we were just… checking the weather?" he squeaked, his war rhino whimpering and hiding behind a shrub.
Qin Feng blinked. *Wait, Zi Yuan's mom is a MILF who rides Kaiju?!* He mentally high-fived himself. *Jackpot. Future me is eating soft serve for life.*
Red Dress Lady flicked her wrist. A tidal wave of spiritual energy pancaked the imperial forces into the dirt. "Run along, ants," she purred. "Or my pet gets… *snacky*."
As the turtle licked its lips (do turtles have lips?), the emperor's army noped out faster than introverts at a surprise birthday party. The noble clans followed, tripping over their own dignity.
Zi Yuan spun to Qin Feng, eyes sparkling. "See? I told you my mom's the best!"
"Best? She's a *goddess*," Qin Feng gasped, then whispered, "Hey, think she'd adopt me? I'm house-trained!"
Meanwhile, Lin San facepalmed. "Why am I always the third wheel in these apocalyptic rom-coms?!"
——
**Post-Credits Scene**
Elder Five side-eyed Qin Feng. "Kid, you're grounded for… uh, existing too awesomely? Go home and think about your life choices."
Qin Feng groaned. *Eight years of good behavior down the drain!* He shot Zi Yuan a puppy-dog look. "Wanna smuggle me out in your mom's turtle purse?"
She giggled. "Nice try, Shakespeare. But you're stuck with family bonding time!"
As the Qins marched home, Qin Feng sighed. *Guess I'll write a hit Broadway musical about this. Title: *Turtle ex Machina: The Musical*.*
——