James walked across campus, backpack slung over one shoulder, hoodie halfway zipped. The sun was hot, sky annoyingly clear. He spotted Kade near a bench by the admin block, scrolling through his phone.
Kade looked up as James got closer. Kade walked up, that usual smirk on his face. "Still walking around like your emotions on Do Not Disturb, huh?"
James glanced at him, the corner of his mouth pulling slightly. "Some of us prefer peace."
"Mhm." Kade crossed his arms and shifted his weight to one leg. "Peace don't usually look like waking up next to Tami."
James's eyebrows went up. "Wow. News travels fast."
"Barry posted a selfie with your front door this morning. Caption said: A king was crowned here."
James chuckled, shaking his head. "Damn. You know Barry?"
"Who doesn't?" Kade said. "He's like the campus raccoon, everywhere, slightly feral, probably hiding snacks."
James groaned. "That dude has no boundaries."
Kade laughed. "Bro, Barry is the boundary. He crosses it, draws a new one, then crosses that too."
James laughed for a second "Yeah well he's the reason I even went to the party. Hell, i didn't even know there was a party."
"And the reason you didn't leave alone" Kade said, eyebrow raised.
James exhaled through his nose. "We haven't talked about it yet. Me and Tami. It just… happened."
Kade's expression settled. "You don't want to be with her, do you?"
"I don't think I should." James said. He looked at the ground. "She's cool. I like her, a lot. But last night… I was in my own head. I didn't think. I just acted."
Kade folded his arms. "You regret it?"
James hesitated. "I regret not knowing if I did it for the right reasons."
Kade didn't say anything for a moment. They stood there in silence. A group of students walked past behind them, talking loudly. Kade didn't react. James didn't look up.
Then finally, Kade said, "That's not a no."
James looked up.
"It's okay not to have the answer," Kade added. "But just… don't leave her guessing if you're still figuring yourself out."
James nodded slowly, eyes a little distant. "Yeah... I know."
***
I haven't texted her.
Not because I forgot. I've thought about it every day since. Thumb hovering over the screen. Her name sitting there like a dare.
But I don't know what to say without breaking something.
If I ask her how she feels, I'll have to figure out how I feel too. And I can't. I can't even look in the mirror too long without feeling like I'm faking it.
I keep trying to convince myself it was just a night. No strings. No expectations.
But that's a lie I made up because I'm scared. Scared she wants more. Scared she doesn't. Scared that either way, I'm not ready.
I'm not ready for something real. Not when I'm still unpacking memories I never asked to carry. Not when I still feel like damaged goods pretending to be fine in daylight.
She deserves more than a maybe. More than a guy who says he's okay just so people stop asking.
And if I told her the truth, if I really laid it all out, what would she even say?
"I can handle it"? Nah. I don't want to be handled.
I don't want to be someone's project. Someone's sad story with a pretty face.
I just want… I don't even know.
Maybe I want to disappear for a while. Maybe I already have.
I didn't mean to hurt her. But maybe silence hurts worse than honesty. And maybe I'm just selfish, protecting myself at the cost of someone else's peace.
But how do I explain that I'm not running from her… I'm running from me?
How do I say,
"Tami, I think you're great. But I don't trust myself to hold anything without breaking it. And I think I'd rather leave now… than make you pick up the pieces later."
I don't want to ghost her. But maybe I already have. And I hate that about myself. I hate that I don't know how to stay.
Not when it matters. Not when it's real.