Thane groaned.
His mouth was dry, his head throbbed, and every inch of his body felt like it had been used as a crash test dummy. He tried to sit up—and instantly regretted it.
What the heck happened?
He cracked his eyes open slowly, careful not to trigger a vomit cascade… and immediately wished he hadn't.
[WORLDWIDE ALERT: ANCIENT ENTITY FREED]
[DIMENSIONAL BREACH CONTAINED VIA DUNGEONIZATION]
[DUNGEON OVERFLOW IMMINENT:]
[To the victors of the dungeons go treasures unimagined and strength fit to sunder empires.]
He lurched upright, suddenly panicked. It was broad daylight now. Morning sunlight filtered gently through the cracks in the walls, casting warm light over the courtyard. But the courtyard was empty. No smoky nightmare monster. No reality-rending aura. No freaky glowing eyes.
Nothing but the pulsating red message still hanging in front of him.
Thane blinked, heart hammering. The text blared across his vision in massive, flashing red letters. Over-the-top and ominous, hovering midair like some apocalyptic screensaver.
What the heck happened while I was out cold?
Before he could even think about dismissing the warning, a fresh barrage of chimes began assaulting his ears.
Ding.
He flinched.
Ding. Ding. Ding-ding-ding.
A multitude of notifications echoed around him, each one arriving from nowhere and everywhere at once, stacking up like a digital dogpile.
Thane winced and swiped the red alert away with a shaky hand. "Nope. Not dealing with that right now."
He shot to his feet, immediately wobbled, and stumbled his way into the manor. "Nope nope nope. Conservatory. Good light. No ghosts. Better acoustics for panicking."
He pushed through the broken door into the overgrown conservatory and collapsed onto an ivy-choked bench near the windows. Vines curled across the cracked tiles. Dust floated in golden beams of light. Somehow, it felt safer.
"Okay," he muttered, wiping his face and trying not to hyperventilate. "Let's see what the system has for me today."
One by one, the notification messages began to appear.
And they did not slow down. The first one practically slapped him in the face:
[LEGENDARY] [BRINGER OF THE APOCALYPSE] [Awaiting user choice]
[Wow, just wow… You haven't even been on Rellex for a full day, and already you have kicked off an apocalypse. A choice stands before you. Join forces with Dravek, an ancient being of immense power, or join humanity. Choose to unlock your—just—rewards.]
Thane stared at the message, expression blank. Then he slowly leaned forward, planted his elbows on his knees, and buried his face in his hands.
"…Of course I did," he mumbled into his palms. "Of course I kicked off an apocalypse. That's… that's—just great."
He sat there for a moment, breathing through the chaos, letting the title [BRINGER OF THE APOCALYPSE] settle in like an unwanted tattoo.
"Okay," he muttered. "Fine. It was me. I freed the ancient evil thing. Woohoo. We're all very impressed. Moving on."
He flicked his hand to dismiss the alert. It didn't budge. He frowned and tried again. Nothing. Another flick. Then a swipe. Then both hands, like he was clearing an invisible whiteboard.
The message stayed exactly where it was, waiting patiently in midair.
[SYSTEM HINT: You cannot waive away apocalyptic consequences. Make your choice.]
Thane stared at it, resignation setting in—join forces with evil, or join humanity—then let out a slow, theatrical exhale.
"What kind of choice is that?" he muttered. "Join the ancient smoke demon monster thing who oozes murder, or humanity. Like some idiot's actually picking Team Dravek."
He paused. Actually, I wouldn't put it past some of the idiots I've known. Then without any further hesitation chose humanity.
[User choice made adjusting title…]
[LEGENDARY] [BRINGER OF THE APOCALYPSE] [Dungeon Sense unlocked]
[You have decided to hitch your wagon to humanity, shocking. Gaining dungeon sense will allow you to home in on dungeons near you. Helping you fix your monumental, possibly world ending mistake.]
A new awareness pulsed at the edge of Thane's mind—like a minimap had been silently installed behind his eyes. Blips of pressure marked the land, each one pulling at his senses with quiet insistence. Dungeons. He could feel them now. The system had hardwired the knowledge into him.
Huh. That's actually really useful.. Avoid monsters now, direct capable monster-killing heros later. Alright, next.
[COMMON] [TEAMWORK MAKES THE DREAMWORK] [+2 stat points]
[You and at least one other worked together to kill something.]
Thane grinned as he moved to the next message. Luck threshold here I come. His grin faded the moment he opened the next notification.
[ERROR] [SYSTEM BREAKER] [Error tracker placed]
[With new magic comes inevitable system errors that will need to be accounted for. Potential errors are now tracked by the system. A warning message will be given in the event a potential error is detected. If you continue an action that results in a system error a -200% penalty to current level exp will be issued.]
"Minus two hundred percent EXP?" Thane frowned. "That's not a penalty—that's a mugging."
He glanced at his armor — still smooth, still humming with free-flowing magic, still not costing a single point of mana to use.
Yeah... that's probably what did it.
A flicker of unease crawled up his spine.
Wait... current level EXP? What level am I even at?
He yanked open his status screen again. Stats, skills, magic… but no level listed. Then his brain finally caught, turned over, and sputtered to life like a car running on stale gas.
Hold on. Why hadn't I noticed this before? Am I really so out of it? The system is supposed to be game-like, right? So where's my health? Mana? Stamina? And if this is like every game ever, shouldn't I get EXP from killing stuff? Am I even still level one after killing something that's 150 times my level?
His eyes flicked through the status menu again, desperately hoping he missed something.
Not only is there no level or EXP, but how the heck am I supposed to know how much health I have left? What if I'm about to pass out from low stamina? This is bogus—maybe it's listed somewhere else?
He scrolled back through everything, checking every submenu, every tab. Every nook and cranny. Still nothing.
This isn't just missing features — this is like giving someone a car and forgetting the speedometer and gas gauge. How am I supposed to survive this mess?
He gritted his teeth trying not to explode, and failed miserably.
"WHAT IN THE GOUT-RIDDEN, DISEASED MISCREATION OF A SYSTEM IS GOING ON?!"
He threw his hands up. "How can you take away EXP I don't even have?! And for that matter do I just have to guess about my health? Mana? Stamina? ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?"
[SYSTEM HINT: Information not yet unlocked on your status screen. Please continue reviewing notifications.]
The message flashed in that perfectly neutral tone — just enough dryness to make it feel smug.
Thane stared at it. "Right. Of course. Why wouldn't the system threaten to erase my leveling progress over a change it made to my armor. Totally reasonable."
He exhaled through his nose, muttering, "Yeah, this is going great." Rolling his eyes, he flicked to the next notification.
[LEGENDARY] [QUEST OR DEATH] [Quest system unlocked]
[You cannot avoid the consequences of your actions. This quest system will both assign and generously reward you for completing quests. Refusal to participate in an assigned quest will result in your termination. Termination in the event of quest failure may be waived, depending on your effort to complete a quest.]
He stared at the message like it had slapped him.
"Quest or death? Seriously? That's what you're going with, ye ol' high and mighty system?"
He pointed at the screen. "You threaten to erase my EXP, and now you're bribing me with rewards while holding a gun to my head?"
A hollow laugh escaped him. "Great. So now the system's my boss and my executioner."
He sat back, eyes closed for a moment. He had to calm down. Getting mad wasn't going to help. He exhaled slowly, steadied his breath before jumping into whatever tar pit was next on his notification list. Opening his eyes, he saw a breath of fresh — or at least stale — air waiting for him.
[SYSTEM HINT:]
[You can only choose ten skills that are available from your previous actions. Skills acquired from titles do not count against the limit of ten. If you decline an available skill it will be moved into the read system messages. The skill will still be available to choose if you change your mind. In addition, after you choose your first skill more detailed information will become available in your status screen.]
Thane blinked at the message. Was that... an apology? The timing almost made it feel like the system was trying to smooth things over.
He snorted. "Yeah, right."
More likely, it was just messing with him — dangling a bit of clarity like a peace offering after threatening to blow his head off. His stomach let out a noise so aggressive it sounded like it was trying to strangle his spine.
Thane winced. Right. Food. Survival. Those things.
But no — of course not. Not yet. The system still had more crap to dump on him. After that oh-so-helpful skill hint, he figured the rest of his notifications would be a parade of skill options. And honestly? For all his grumbling, that hint actually helped immensely. If something looked amazing, he could grab it now. And if something weird turned out to be useful later — boom, still on the table.
[COMMON] [EXPLORER] [You will be drawn to places of interest when in new places]
Nope.
[COMMON] [WALKING] [The amount of effort to walk is decreased]
Also nope.
[COMMON] [SEARCHING] [It is easier to find things you are looking for]
Still nope.
[COMMON] [SLIDING] [Reduces friction when gliding across surfaces]
I already have zero friction with my armor—friction can't go negative—can it? Heck if I know, I'll bank it for later.
[COMMON] [NEGOTIATION] [Increases your ability to successfully negotiate]
Going once, going twice — nope. Heh.
[COMMON] [SPEACH] [Speaking becomes easier]
Me speak good. Yeah, I don't think so.
[COMMON] [ACTING] [Accelerate at performances you put on]
What am I going to do, dance dungeons to death? Pass.
[UNCOMMON] [ANCIENT EXPLORER] [You will have a sense for where to find ancient places]
Meh.. maybe later?
[UNCOMMON] [STEALTH] [Increases likelihood of not being found when attempting to go unnoticed]
Hmmm.. I'll circle back to this. Not sure how well stealth pairs with flail-whipping chaos.
[UNCOMMON] [FLAIL MASTERY] [Become increasingly proficient with flails]
Yeah.. No brainer. Only weapon I can use—ever.
[UNCOMMON] [DEMOLITIONS] [Intentional destruction of non living things becomes easier]
What was this for again? Oh, right — the manor. I've really been treating that place like a punching bag. Definitely useful, but... it'll still be here later if I need it.
[RARE] [BAIT] [Increases your ability to attract the attention of hostile entities]
Hard pass.
[RARE] [UNIQUE COMBAT] [Non conventional combat techniques are easier to master]
I guess this is for going Tasmanian devil on that centipede? It's the only rare skill that sounds useful. I wonder what kind of shenanigans I could get up to with this. I'm pretty sure the system won't let me just sit around forever with that stupid death quest thing. It's not like I know how to fight conventionally, or have some Yoda here to teach me. Hmmm… you know what YOLO.
[SYSTEM MESSAGE:]
[Congratulations on your first skill selections! The requirement to unlock your full status screen has been met. The equipment screen now has additional information.You have almost unlocked everything in your system menu. Reach level 10 to unlock information on the class screen.]
Thane blinked at the message, tempted to dig into the new screens and soak in whatever details had just been unlocked. He was halfway to diving into the updated menus when his stomach made a noise like a dying animal trapped in a garbage disposal.
Right. Priorities.
With a groan, he closed the interface and pulled out the glowing fruit from earlier—the one that had all the nutritional appeal of a decorative candle. One bite. Just one. He gagged. Chewed. Swallowed.
"I hate this," he said aloud. Then ate the rest of it anyway, because apparently this was his life now.
Still hungry.
Of course he was. He spotted more of the vile fruit hanging nearby and stared at it with the kind of deep, spiritual loathing usually reserved for DMV visits.
"This is officially culinary rock bottom."
He kept eating.