"The child who is not embraced by the village will burn it down to feel its warmth." African Proverb.
There are moments in parenting when the past crashes into the present. A toddler's tantrum triggers anxiety. A teenager's rebellion stirs old wounds. You hear your own voice rising, echoing the tone you once feared. And suddenly, you're not just a parent, you're a child again, reacting from a place you thought you left behind.
This is the invisible burden many parents carry: the unhealed pain of their own childhoods. For some, it's neglect. For others, harsh discipline, emotional absence, or even trauma. These wounds shape how we love, discipline, protect, and connect with our children.
Parenting with a wounded heart is not a mark of failure. It is a deeply human experience. But it calls for awareness, compassion, and courage, because if we do not face our pain, we are likely to pass it on.
When the Past Lives in the Present
A woman once said to me, "When my daughter cries, I feel overwhelmed. I want to comfort her, but I freeze. I never had anyone comfort me, so I don't know how."
Another father shared, "Every time my son talks back, I get enraged. Not because he's rude, but because it reminds me of how powerless I felt when I couldn't speak up to my own father."
These are not bad parents. They are wounded parents trying to give what they never received.
Our own childhood scripts often run silently beneath the surface. If you were raised in a home where emotions were dismissed, love was conditional, or safety was uncertain, those patterns may replay when you parent.
You may:
Overreact to your child's needs or behaviors
Struggle with emotional closeness
Feel deep shame or guilt for your mistakes
Avoid conflict or overcompensate with overprotection
The African proverb says, "Ihe a múra n'aka nne na nna ya, ò na-eme ka ò soro na àgwùòrò?" (What we inherited from our parents does not mean we must remain sick.)
Your wounds are not your fault, but your healing is your responsibility.
Signs You Might Be Parenting From a Wounded PlaceEmotional Triggers:
You feel extreme reactions to your child's behavior that are disproportionate to the situation.
Guilt or Shame: You constantly feel like you're failing or are afraid of being a bad parent.
Avoidance: You avoid emotional conversations or physical affection.
Hyper-Control: You try to manage everything to avoid discomfort or chaos.
Replicating Old Patterns: You find yourself saying or doing things your caregivers did that you promised never to repeat.
Becoming aware is the first step toward change. When you notice your reactions, pause. Ask yourself, Is this about my child, or is this about me?
Why Facing Your Childhood Matters
In African tradition, elders often begin wisdom with the past. We are taught to know where we come from, so we can walk wisely into where we are going.
Similarly, if we do not explore how we were parented, we risk repeating harmful patterns. Healing requires us to:
Reflect on the kind of love and discipline we received.
Identify what was missing or hurtful
Grieve unmet needs or painful experiences
Choose new ways of parenting
This journey isn't about blaming our parents. Many of them did the best they could with what they knew. It's about breaking cycles.
*"Until the lion tells his side of the story, the tale will always glorify the hunter." African Proverb
You are the lion. Tell your story with truth and grace.
Healing While Raising Children
Can you heal while parenting? Yes. In fact, parenting often brings old wounds to the surface, making healing not only possible but urgent.
Here are key steps to parenting through healing:
1. Acknowledge Your Pain
Start by being honest with yourself. What hurt you? What memories still haunt you? What patterns keep repeating?
This self-awareness is a sacred act. Write it down. Speak it out. Give your pain a name so it loses its power.
2. Find Safe Spaces
Healing is hard in isolation. Seek therapy, join support groups, talk to mentors. In traditional African settings, healing often happened in community, around fires, with elders, in rituals.
Rebuild that circle. It could be a friend, a counselor, a faith leader. You don't have to heal alone.
3. Parent Your Inner Child
The child you were still lives within you. Offer that child the compassion they never received. Affirm them:
"You were not too much."
"You deserved love."
"You did nothing to earn the pain."
When you nurture your inner child, you create space to parent your actual child with more grace.
4. Choose Conscious Parenting
Set an intention to break the cycle:
Apologize when you hurt your child
Validate their emotions
Create safe emotional spaces
Be consistent in love and boundaries
Even small shifts matter. Every moment of presence is a brick in the foundation of healing.
Cultural Reflection: Mama Theresa's Smile
I remember my grandmother, Mama Theresa. A woman of strength and silence. She rarely said "I love you," but she showed it: in the extra piece of fish she hid for me, the way she warmed my bed during harmattan nights.
She once said, "My father beat us for speaking during meals. I decided my children would speak freely."
That simple choice changed a legacy. She couldn't undo her childhood, but she could plant new seeds. Because of her, I grew up knowing that my voice mattered.
We don't need to be perfect to create change. We only need to be intentional.
Reparenting Through Apology and Repair
Children don't need perfection. They need repair.
When you react harshly, return to your child and say:
"I lost my temper. That wasn't fair. I'm sorry."
"I was scared, not because of you, but because of old fears. I'm working on it."
These moments build trust. They model humility. They teach your child that growth is lifelong.
Teaching Your Children Emotional Safety
Create a home where:
Emotions are welcomed, not ashamed
Affection is given freely
Boundaries are set with respect
Apologies are part of daily life
This is revolutionary. In many African households, emotional conversations were rare. But that doesn't mean they must stay that way.
Change begins with you.
Your Healing Is a Gift to Your Children
As you heal, you give your children what you never had:
A parent who listens
A home where it's safe to feel
A model of emotional honesty
Even on your worst days, your decision to face your wounds is creating a different future.
"Even a broken calabash can carry water if placed in the right hands." African Proverb
You are those hands. And you are enough.
Final Words: You Are Not Alone
To every parent reading this who is parenting through pain, you are not alone.
Your tears matter. Your history matters. Your effort matters.
You are not failing because you sometimes struggle. You are growing. You are healing. You are choosing love when fear calls louder. That is the most powerful kind of parenting.
You may have been raised in brokenness, but you are raising your child in awareness. And awareness is the birthplace of healing.
Let your story be a testimony:
That wounds can become wisdom
That pain can birth purpose
That the cycle can stop with you
This is what it means to parent whole.