"A child who knows how they feel is a child who knows how to heal."
Igbo proverb, adapted
In the quiet corners of our homes, far from the noise of school bells and society's expectations, emotional intelligence is born. It doesn't come from textbooks or perfect routines. It comes from the moments when a child cries and someone listens. When they frown in confusion and a gentle voice asks, "Tell me what you're feeling." In these small yet sacred exchanges, children learn the language of the heart.
As parents, we sometimes forget that emotions are not a sign of weakness, they are signals. They tell us when something is wrong, when something is beautiful, when something needs to be spoken or understood. Yet many of us, especially in African homes, grew up in environments where emotions were either silenced, punished, or pushed aside. Tears were often labeled as disrespect. Anger was mistaken for stubbornness. And sadness? That was too uncomfortable to name.
But if we are to raise whole children, emotionally grounded, mentally stable, and secure in who they are, we must give them what we often didn't have: the emotional freedom to feel and the tools to express those feelings with clarity.
Teaching Children to Name Their Feelings
A child who can name their feelings is a child who can navigate life with self-awareness. Emotional intelligence begins with vocabulary, not just words like "happy" or "sad," but deeper ones: frustrated, nervous, excited, ashamed, proud.
In African tradition, storytelling and proverbs have long been used to teach values, but they can also be used to teach emotional literacy. When your child is upset, you might say:
"Do you feel like the rain that wants to fall but the sky is holding it back?"
Or: "Is your heart heavy like a pot of soup that has no salt?"
These culturally rooted expressions give children metaphors they can understand, especially when they're too young to express complex emotions. The point is not perfection, it's presence. Your presence. Your patience.
Simple ways to help children name their emotions include:
Using picture books with expressive characters
Asking questions like "What's your face saying right now?"
Using color charts or "emotion wheels"
Reflecting their feelings back to them ("You seem upset. Want to talk about it?")
What seems like a small act, naming an emotion, actually becomes a life skill. A child who can say "I'm feeling anxious about school" is less likely to express that anxiety through tantrums, withdrawal, or anger.
Helping Them Process Disappointment
Disappointment is one of life's earliest teachers. A broken toy. A canceled outing. Not being picked. Not winning. These moments hurt, and as adults, our instinct is often to fix them quickly. "Don't cry, I'll buy another one." Or "It's not a big deal." But when we rush to rescue, we rob our children of resilience.
Children need to be taught that it's okay to feel disappointed. What matters is how we respond to it. Let them grieve, even over small things. Validate their pain. Say:
"I can see you really wanted that."
"It hurts when things don't go the way we hoped."
"Let's sit with this feeling for a while, then we'll talk about it."
This approach teaches children that emotions are temporary. That we don't have to run from discomfort, we can hold space for it, and eventually, we can let it go. It teaches children that they're not broken for feeling bad, they are simply human.
There was a time when my little cousin cried because her mother couldn't attend her school event. Instead of scolding her for being "too emotional," I knelt beside her and said, "Your tears are speaking. What are they trying to say?" Through sobs, she whispered, "I feel unimportant." That one sentence opened the door to healing. Not just for her, but for the mother who never realized the depth of her child's emotions.
Modeling Emotional Control as a Parent
Children may not always listen to what we say, but they always watch what we do. Emotional intelligence cannot be taught through lectures alone, it must be lived.
If we yell in anger, slam doors, or shut down emotionally, our children will learn to do the same. But when we take a breath before reacting… when we apologize after losing our temper… when we say, "I need a moment to calm down," we teach them that emotions don't control us, we manage them.
This doesn't mean being emotionless. It means showing your child how to feel without falling apart. To cry and still be strong. To feel angry and still be respectful. To feel overwhelmed and still communicate.
"O buru na ife na-eju anya, ka anyi kpoo ya aha",If something is troubling the heart, let us name it.
Practical ways to model emotional control:
Speak your feelings out loud: "I'm frustrated, but I'm trying to stay calm."
Avoid shaming your child's emotions. Guide them through.
Show them how you self-regulate: prayer, deep breathing, walking away, talking it out.
Say sorry when you overreact. This doesn't make you weak, it makes you wise.
In my childhood, my grandfather, Mr. Stephen Ezema, was a master of emotional poise. He used proverbs, not punishment. When I acted out, he would say things like, "A child who runs in anger forgets the thorns on the path." Those words didn't just correct me, they calmed me. His wisdom taught me that emotional maturity doesn't shout, it speaks truth with love.
Conclusion: The Gift of Emotional Safety
To raise a whole child is to raise a child who feels safe, not just physically, but emotionally. A child who knows they can bring their joy, fear, sadness, or confusion to you without being shamed. That is the gift of emotional intelligence, and it begins at home.
When we teach our children to name their feelings, when we walk with them through disappointment, and when we model emotional control ourselves, we are not just parenting, we are preparing. We are preparing them for relationships, for leadership, for adversity, for love.
In many African cultures, children were once trained in the art of listening, not just to words, but to tone, to gesture, to the unspoken. Let us return to that sacred wisdom. Let us raise children who are emotionally fluent, who can feel, express, and heal without shame.
Because a child who knows how to manage their heart will one day lead with it.