Freya had faced down a slime tsunami, survived a cabbage tribunal, and filed more forms than a tax collector in a panic room. So naturally, her next challenge was… cooking class.
"Why does this even exist?" Freya muttered as she stared at the parchment Pixel had happily handed her.
New Quest: Culinary Combat 101 Objective: Survive 1 (one) week of magical cooking classes at the Arcane Institute of Edible Sorcery. Bonus Objective: Don't burn down the school.
Pixel sparkled beside her. "It's part of your character development arc!"
"I'm already developed," she growled. "Fully cooked. Al dente. Whatever."
"You're medium-rare, tops," Pixel chirped.
---
The Arcane Institute of Edible Sorcery was everything Freya feared: glittering marble halls filled with the aroma of burnt cinnamon, floating recipe books that judged your slicing technique, and culinary apprentices who whispered dark pasta incantations in the corners.
"Do I smell—was that an omelette that just teleported past me?" Freya asked.
"Correction," Pixel said, "a sentient omelette. He's the sous-chef."
A stern voice boomed across the room: "STUDENTS! Gather around. We begin with the basics."
The Headmaster Chef was a tall, rectangular man named Chef Parmentier, his mustache curling into spirals that somehow spelled 'NO FUN' in cursive.
"Today," he said, "we learn to prepare the sacred dish of our forechefs: Fire-Soul Fondue."
Freya raised her hand. "What if I've never cooked before?"
Chef Parmentier glared. "Then may the sauce gods show mercy."
---
Stationed at a magical stovetop that blinked when it was confused (which was often), Freya attempted to gather ingredients from the Arcane Pantry.
She grabbed a glowing onion. It growled.
"That's a snarling shallot," Pixel said, pushing it aside. "You want the mildly sarcastic garlic instead."
Freya sighed and dug deeper into the pantry, finding a floating egg that made passive-aggressive comments about her posture.
She cracked it open, it exploded in glitter.
"Oh, that's a Fabergé Flare Egg. Not for cooking. Mostly for show-offs and magicians with culinary inferiority complexes," Pixel explained.
Eventually, Freya assembled a motley collection of snide vegetables, emotionally distant cheese, and a pot that wouldn't stop humming sea shanties.
"Begin," the Headmaster declared.
Freya tossed everything in and ignited the stovetop with her usual flair: a fire spell she called 'Whatever Works.'
Within seconds, the fondue began to bubble… and sing.
"Oh no," Pixel whispered. "You summoned a food elemental."
A cheese golem erupted from the pot, brandishing a fondue fork and threatening to skewer anyone who disrespected Gruyère.
Chef Parmentier narrowed his eyes. "Ah. Advanced class, I see."
Freya flailed. "I didn't even mean to do this!"
The golem bellowed, "CHEESE IS ETERNAL!" and launched itself across the kitchen.
---
A full-out battle ensued. Students ducked behind soup cauldrons. A mushroom risotto cast Shield. The tomato brigade fled, leaving only trails of regret.
Freya leapt over a spilled custard moat and threw a ladle like a boomerang. It clonked the golem on its dairy-filled noggin.
"I demand aged respect!" it roared, melting into goo.
Freya wiped sweat from her brow. "I just wanted grilled cheese."
Chef Parmentier, unfazed, scribbled a note on her parchment. "Pass. Style points deducted for lack of plating."
---
Each day brought a new horror.
Day Two: Enchanted salads that hypnotized the eater into believing they were lettuce. Day Three: Sorbet so cold it briefly froze time. Day Four: Battle Royale Breakfast, where Freya had to defend her waffles against a syrup elemental with boundary issues.
Somehow, she survived.
On Day Five, the students were paired up for a team challenge: The Great Pie Off.
Freya was assigned a partner named Bimbley, a halfling with an eye twitch and a traumatic relationship with nutmeg.
"I once summoned a cinnamon demon," Bimbley whispered. "He called me 'Spice Peasant.'"
The challenge? Create a pie worthy of the Grand Judges: Queen Peary, Lord Flaketooth, and Madame Crustacia.
Freya opted for the bold path: Spicy Inferno Fruit Pie.
Ingredients:
Three Fireberries
One Cynical Apple
Dragonpepper dust
A crust that didn't question its purpose
As they baked, the pie glowed like a sunrise made of regret. Bimbley wept softly.
The judges took a bite.
Queen Peary exploded into a spontaneous haiku:
"Fire, sweet and sharp A pie that scorched my essence Yet I want some more."
Lord Flaketooth burst into flames, gave a thumbs up, and collapsed.
Madame Crustacia nodded solemnly. "Bold. Reckless. I approve."
---
That night, Freya returned to her room in the dormitories. Her apron still smoked faintly, and her eyebrows had yet to fully recover.
Pixel hovered beside her. "So. How was your personal growth arc?"
"I grew indigestion," Freya muttered.
Pixel tapped the air, and a new notification popped up:
Quest Complete: Culinary Combat 101 Rewards: +10 to Improvisation, +5 to Kitchen Awareness, Title Unlocked: 'Burninator of Bread'
Freya collapsed into bed. "If I see one more ingredient that talks back to me—"
She was cut off by a knock at her door.
"Who is it?" she groaned.
A voice whispered, "Midnight Snack Society. You in?"
She opened the door to find Bimbley, now wearing a cloak and wielding a spoon like a wand.
"You in?" he repeated.
Freya blinked. "Tell me there's no more singing cheese."
"No. Only forbidden brownies and black market cocoa."
She grinned. "Lead the way."
---
Secret Chapter: Midnight Snack Society
Down in the forbidden kitchens of the Institute, rogue students gathered under flickering candlelight. Their mission: create desserts too powerful for the school to condone.
Freya watched as a rogue sorceress summoned marshmallows that whispered prophecies. Bimbley brewed fudge so dense it had gravitational pull.
"Tonight," whispered the head of the Snack Society, "we craft… the Eternal Eclair."
It required:
Moonlight-infused cream
Temporal puff pastry
A single drop of existential dread
Freya volunteered to whip the cream. She accidentally folded in a dream fragment, which caused the eclair to whisper her childhood fears back at her.
"Impressive," said the head chef. "It now has depth."
The final product shimmered on the table. One bite transported the eater to a realm of bliss and mild gastrointestinal confusion.
Freya took a bite.
She saw her past lives. All of them were mildly disappointed pastry chefs.
She nodded. "This eclair slaps."
---
Back in her bed, with chocolate on her face and a sugar high distorting her internal monologue, Freya stared at the ceiling.
"I've fought monsters, outwitted bureaucracy, and now I've stared into the soul of a profiterole."
Pixel popped into view. "You've come far, Freya. Soon, you'll be ready for the Legendary Main Quest."
"Will it involve food?"
"…I'll be honest. There's a 47% chance."
Freya rolled over. "Fine. But if the final boss is a giant soufflé, I'm throwing you in first."
Pixel winked. "Deal."