The days that followed were confusing to say the least.
I constantly felt that I was losing my best friend over something that was clearly both our faults. Her fault for suggesting these games and my fault for actually participating in them. I never realized how much these were affecting her because the only effect they had on me was making me annoyed at times and very petty for the other majority of times. I was just a girl in her own world after all.
It was weird trying to interact with Playdough, not because I felt weirded out by him or anything, but rather every time I looked at him, I could tell the only thing on his mind every time he looked at me was the thought of my hands down his pants.
This did nothing to help with my best friend and I's situation because now, our previously comfortable silences were awkward. We continued like that for days on end, not addressing the elephant in the room though for the life of me I was failing to understand why it was there in the first place.
I must have not read the fine print or misunderstood the terms and conditions because I believed this was literally just fun and games. I never wanted Playdough to choose because I wanted discord, if anything I wanted him to see that while he enjoyed the company of two there was also nothing wrong with being in the company of one.
Hell, they had made out right beside me so many times I was surprised there was even an issue to begin with. What was so different about this time? The hand job? Possibly the fact that he made a clear choice this time? Or maybe it was because he hadn't done the same thing with her as yet?
My last theory would prove to be correct as a few days later everything was back to normal, but nothing had changed, at least to my knowledge it hadn't. I wasn't shocked when I had figured out that was the reason she was now back to normal and no longer sulking around. In her words she had evened the playing field, and I guess all was right with the world now.
Except it wasn't, there is always another problem, another shit tunnel you have to crawl through to see the light at the end of it. This time it wasn't my shit tunnel, but I noticed very quickly. Manni and Jay were about to crash and burn real bad.
Something seemed off from the way they bantered, before it was light with the occasional smile here and there, then Manni would pout at Jay, and he'd pull her to his side where they'd hug and make things right again. Now, their arguments were actual arguments with swearing, sometimes shouting and often ending with one party walking off from the other. These conversations only happened when they thought that we weren't looking and for the most part they were correct.
The others didn't pay attention like I did so they missed all the small stuff.
Not me though, I could see it in the tight hugs, the way there were less kisses shared by them. How their own friends hadn't seen it coming was beyond me. Manni was having issues with her mental health, that much was evident, but it seemed as if everyone thought that Jay would handle it. For some reason, I could tell by the nonchalant gazes and carelessly thrown words that no one actually cared about whether he would actually be able to deal with it or not.
Playdough being his best friend naturally started to catch on and really did try to help, but there was only so much he could take on his plate when he had two problems of his own, myself being one of them.
I'll never know what caused me to privately message Jay that night, stealing his number away from the shared group chat. In the dark of the night, I dared to ask, dared to make sure that he was ok and even more daringly offering to help. By this point, it was normal for me to try and help Manni as a friend, heavens know my best friend Minna wasn't doing the best job at the moment. Yes, even their names were similar.
We continued conversing, Jay and I, every night spent bonding over collective interests and spilling our woes to each other, bleeding each other dry for every drop of information that was willing to be offered.
It was a peculiar time. On one hand the games continued with playdough, though I was becoming increasingly less interested in them for more than one reasons. Not only was there a line being drawn between me and Minna, but he was clearly slowly placing himself over her half of the line. The worst part, he was unconsciously doing so. Favouring a bigger ass and someone willing to do anything he said instead of my petite self and challenging attitude. Can't say I really mind when I already knew what the stakes were.
But the more pressing issue on the other hand was that I started imagining Jay during our little games. I could feel his eyes more on me now, following me, getting more information to report back to our private chat during our late-night conversations. However, I wasn't a completely terrible person just yet, that was a much later version of me. So, I still influenced him to make things work with Manni, but the more I got both sides of the story is the more that I realized it was not working for either side. It wasn't just Jay, and it wasn't the fact that we were practically flirting every night. Afterall there were cracks in their happily ever after long before I tried to find out if he was ok.
Even as Manni's friend I had to admit she was a shit girlfriend, but not by choice. She just needed help, something she thought that Jay would be able to give her, but clearly, he wasn't.
It was like any other day when things had ended between them. Jay had constantly been asking Manni to get help because anyone could see that she needed it. Regardless, no matter how many times he pleaded, Manni wouldn't budge about it because she was scared she would be judged, and honestly that was a valid fear. I knew it all too well, the feeling of pouring out your sorrows to someone who is supposed to help yet only getting a half-assed answer. So, I did the best to help her.
Thus, I became the therapist of the group. A comforting presence is what they called it, in reality it was just the ability to listen and empathize without making it about me, something a lot of people clearly lacked the ability to do.
Time passed slowly on those days, and one event piled on the other. Jay and Manni were done, Jay and I were getting closer through helping him cope, Playdough was choosing Minna more each time, end of year exams were in a week and the icing on my messy life cake was my family needed to move for a short time while our house underwent some very necessary renovations.
This was about the point I started realizing that was the true course of life. It wasn't called a series of events for no reason. It was just one problem after the other, most times overlapping with each other like ocean waves. An endless push and pull, a constant flow and movement, it should've been obvious though that the most dangerous part of this remained the riptide.
I was so caught up in making connections and passing those exams that I failed to think through how the next series of actions would cause a ripple effect. Afterall I was developing a crush again, but this time it was more complicated. A rebound is what I would be and with my friend's ex of all people. The same friend who I was helping with her mental issues, the same friend who needed my shoulder to cry on almost every day.
Just the thought of hurting her nauseated me and made me want to bury myself alive. Nonetheless I messaged Jay every night, because everyone still thought he was ok and wasn't hurt on the sole fact that he ended things with her. What no one saw was the scared boy who knew he had hurt someone in a fragile state with his actions. Even though it was best for her, it was sure going to hurt like hell first, she was his girlfriend after all.
This bled over through our two weeks of exams and the more we spoke, the more we saw, heard and understand each other. This was bad, this was very bad. Having a crush was clearly not something I should be doing and especially not with him, my telltale sign was how my heart raced just like when I played those games with Playdough and Minna.
I knew secretly I just wanted someone else to toy with.