"I know kid," – Naruto perked up – "but that only makes you even more of a menace, you do realize that right?" And now Naruto was deflating like a balloon. "Oh, don't give me that look, my kids were ten times cuter than you and it never worked for them either.
"
Naruto balked in outrage. "I'm not cute!"
"Exactly. "
"Gah!" Naruto shrieked, shaking his fist. "You suck!"
"Do you even know what that means?"
"It means you're a poopy head!"
"Okay, so you don't know, thank goodness. "
"Hey! What's that supposed to mean!"
Hanzo winced and rubbed his temple. "Kid, I can already see you there.
You don't need to keep yelling at me. "
Somehow, that struck Naruto mute.
The man huffed, crossed his arms and dropped his head, clearly hoping against hope to doze off.
Hiruzen was struck by the sight. We've been abusing your goodwill, haven't we? They'd been doing that all that time, come to think of it.
They made him hold his presentation the same day he was let out of the hospital with instructions to take it easy. I've been holding a civilian to the same standard of fitness as my ninja.
But the man made it so easy…
"Nobody else does," Naruto muttered just as Hiruzen was about to end the view.
Hanzo grunted like an honorary Uchiha. What a disturbing thought.
It only emboldened Naruto. "Nobody else sees me.
I don't know what they see when they look at me, but it's not me! They've been glaring at me since forever! Well, now they've got a good reason! I'm sorry you got caught up in it but I'm not sorry I did it, so there!" Naruto was more perceptive than he let on, if only- "I wish I at least knew why they hate me so much. "
"It's nothing you did, kid. "
The mounting levity around Hiruzen abruptly vanished.
"What that supposed to mean-wait, you know what it is? Tell me, tell me!"
Hanzo recoiled from the face of Naruto that was suddenly there. "Safe distance, safe distance you menace!"
"That's so mean!" But Naruto backed off. Just enough to swing back and forth on his heels and- "Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me-"
Hanzo glared and Hiruzen was just about to signal the Anbu when- "It's your hair, alright?"
… Eh?
"At least that's part of it. For some people.
Relatively speaking. "
"Stop using big words like I'm an idiot!"
"Kid, you're blond. "
"What's wrong with that?"
"Look, kid, I'm only telling you what other people told me alright? Other people will have other reasons and-"
"Tell me, tell me, tell me, tell me-"
"Not until you stop nagging. "
Naruto, with visible effort, stopped talking. He still swung back and f-
"That means stop with the swinging too, you brat!"
-orth no longer. Hiruzen was honestly impressed.
Now if only he could trust a hope that the man wasn't going to stretch the terms of his amnesty, he might-
"Anyway, Uzumaki are redheads-"
"Like you?"
"Naruto!"
"Sorry, sorry!"
Hanzo opened his mouth-
"So like you?"
"Yes, like me, but I'm not-! Gods kid, you complain people ignore you and then don't even listen to me when I don't?"
"Well so-rry!" Naruto huffed then withered under Hanzo's glare. "I mean I'm sorry.
I'll listen now. "
Hanzo glared for so long that even Hiruzen thought he'd just drop the talk in disgust. "Look kid, I'm going to use simple words so even a dumbass like you can understand.
"
Naruto puffed out his cheeks but did his best to keep quiet. He almost succeeded.
Hanzo scoffed, then looked at Naruto and spoke. Very slowly.
"Uzumaki are redheads. You're not.
The Uzumaki are all dead. You're not.
As such, some people resent you for living when the 'real' Uzumaki they actually knew and liked don't. "
The silence in the Hokage's office was deep and as damning as everything else Hanzo had revealed in those two weeks.
"Good job. Now you can talk.
"
"But… but that's not fair – and what's even – I have a clan?!"
"Neither was it fair when you broke into my home and nearly killed me. " Naruto collapsed like felled by an arrow through the heart, the man was not letting that go, was he? If only it wasn't such an apt distraction.
"Also, you're not living it up like royalty even though the last two Uzumaki were practically princesses. "
Naruto jumped back to his feet, eyes sparkling. "We had princesses!?"
"As such, certain people think you're a bastard. "
There was a stunned silence. On both sides of the crystal ball.
"But I don't wanna be a bastard!" Naruto whined, falling back down to his knees dramatically. "They made me do it!"
"Like I made you almost kill me?" Naruto punched the floor even more dramatically, is this what his grandson was going to be like? Hiruzen wished his daughter luck if- "Not that kind of bastard. A literal bastard.
Kid with no legitimate parents, born out of wedlock, spawned on the wrong side of the sheets, etcetera. "
Hiruzen met the eyes of those around him with every bit as much incredulity. It couldn't be so easy to-it couldn't possibly have been so easy all this time, could it?
"… I'm a bastard?"
"Never saw your birth records so I can't say," the man masterfully avoided saying a single lie. "But you're blond instead of a redhead, you live off the village dole instead of literally anything else, and you're so obnoxiously loud that I have literally spent the last ten minutes wanting to kill myself.
"
"Why are you always so mean to meeeeeeeee?"
Hiruzen ended the technique before Masanari Hanzo went and really made him feel like a fool.
And now he got to enjoy the awkward silence with just the shinobi elite, how wonderful.
It was Shikaku who broke it, and the smirk he sent the hokage was as self-deprecating as it was insolent. "The man just can't stop embarrassing you, Lord Hokage.
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