***
The sound of a foot stomping on gears was loud and echoy, the way my dad spoke as he said.
"It won't stop.''
The worry the panic the raising voices, no-one could have been calm yet my mother was the calmer.
My mother was a figure of stability and strength in my life. If a truck was what was needed to knock down a sumo resellers then an ant was needed to knock down my mum.
My Mother was a painting of the forest during the evening when a beautiful dawn was overriding, creating greens that had a subtle blue and pink tint that would be noticeable even in darkness, Brighter than light itself. She was Gorgeous.
My mother stood out more than the sun does in this solar system, she seemed so much bigger. If you stretched your hand out far enough you could feel the warmth emitting.
So when my mother reached out to me, gently holding my hands. Her body warmth was soothing, she lit up my dark tunnel like a fire does a forest. She burnt my darkness away but that meant there was nothing left.
Her words spoke so indifferently. Even when she could hear the shouting of my dad praying to a god he didn't even believe in. Even when my brothers cries made everything else sound quiet in a deafening way.
Even as she spoke such cruel things.
"My dear Mesai, don't try to find justice. Justice is a mere lie to what people call revenge. Don't become a victim of your own emotions. Just take care of your brother. Make sure you survive this cruel world. Be crueler. Be meaner. Block everyone out if you must. I do not care about no justice, I don't lie. What I want is for you.
.
.
Succeed in my revenge."
She could offer no comfort to this destruction. She left so easily like she had no empathy. She could understand, she just decided not to. She was ruthless.
My mother was strong, very strong. A sumo resller could be knocked down by looking into the face of the truth, but to knock down my mother? You needed the sun and moon to never raise again. You needed to end the world.
My mother was gorgeous. The same way the devil made it's self look pretty and innocent.
My mother was the sun, no matter how close you thought you were to her, you were still thousands of meters away.
My mother was the blue flame that you didn't realise was on untill you burnt your own hand.
She forever made the things around her, her own shadow.
My mother wrapped what little light I had left into darkness, she just manipulated that darkness and painted it white so the sun would reflect without me to realise it.
Till the last moment of her life she uttered words that forced me into a cycle of endlessness.
She didn't even realise that ,I , a 10 year old had no clue what I was supposed to do in world thousand's of times greater than myself.
Jupiter could never catch up to the sun.
Would be any different for me and her?
Despite this she was my mother, without her I wouldn't have survived. She was the only right in all of my wrongs. I still look up to my mother now.
Her last breath echoed through my ear, the car collided and my world split. One of suffering and one of protection. The two working so painfully well hand in hand.
I hate my mother or what she did to me, but I can't help but thank her for it.
Her few words prepared me even if it was the last thing I wanted to hear. She prepared me but no child should have to be prepared to grow up so soon.
I was just a child too.
So what did she mean by vengeance?
***
The dream ended as fast as It had begun. Some dreams are not baseless nor was this. The memory was pushed so far away from my conscious that I had almost forget it existed.
The world worked it mysterious ways yet this felt like more than a coincidence. The consecutive events that keep happening over a short time, the constant meeting of people I never knew. It felt strange.
I had only myself to blame for things escalating this far but it still felt like something more.
I used to constantly think about my mothers last words, they forged me into what I am today. They made sure I kept my brother safe. However I overlooked everything else, I forced myself to forget. Maybe I even had a stroke of amnesia. So the question stook in mind.
What revenge had she wanted?
I thought long and hard for seconds that felt like years, I was simply oblivious to the hand which was now waving in my face, waking me from my trance.
"Oh wow, your good at disconnecting yourself you know?"
"I'm thinking"
"Mhm okay so your not bothered by the fact that someone broke into your room and woke you up. For all you know I could be stealing some money you worked to get and all you care about is thinking."
"What would I do with money in a place like this."
"Thats true but you'll be out soon."
"I keep my money online."
"Smart but you could be hacked. Maybe I found out your phone password and then transferred your money to my account"
"You make me feel smart."
"I'm not sure how im supposed to take that but okay."
It might not have been obvious at first to how he was being stupid. But we both knew that someone wouldn't leave there bank accounts without an extremely hard to figure out passwords.
After a while I looked up to see a pale figure still waving his hand in my face. He looked frail too. Probably shouldn't be here. His hair was messy and looked very unkept compared to last time I had seen him.
"Should you be here right know?"
"Its the middle of the day what else should I be doing? You know you've been asleep for over a day."
"Oh."
The boy scanned my face for a little bit before speaking again.
"What were you thinking so intensely about that you are starting to sweat."
I hadn't realised it myself until he pointed it out. I was never a person who would wake up in a nervous sweat after a silly dream. I never even considered myself a person to even sleep in for so long. I had been seriously messed up lately.
"Why do you want to know."
"Sometimes you just need to telk someone."
"Thats cheesy."
The person before me looked lively, happy in a way. It directly opposed his condition.He even managed to let out a laugh.
"You're right."
The awkward silence took over for a little bit before Asher came out with a suggestion. I felt like a kid asked to play 20 question when he suggested the idea though.
"I read this book, where at some point in the story a character suggests to do this game. Each person has three questions and they have to answer the questions honestly, they can reject one question. Once that rejection is used they can't do it again."
It wasn't a particularly bad suggestion, some of Claria's friends had suggested worse. Infact, I had read about this before so I was familiar with the rules.
I slowly nodded hesitantly, trying to show my displeasure. He, however, took it as a go ahead.
"I'll ask one question then you ask the next."
I nodded my head a little more enthusiasticly this time but it was obviously that this didn't have my best interest at heart.
"what were you just thinking about."
He asked this thinking I'd skip then he'd ask a worse question. I already hate this. Maybe I was overthinking it to much. I lacked trust in anybody. I couldn't trust people and I hoped people didn't trust me aswell, because I knew I couldn't trust myself.
I let out a sigh.
" I was thinking about my mother."
"So formal, you don't call her mum? Anyway your turn."
I was surprised by how fast the topic came an left, maybe I shouldn't have been suprised because he clearly saw it, and I clearly felt it. The expression on my face was obvious. So obvious that he was shocked and so was I. Quickly brushing it aside I countined with the game.
"What illness do you have?"
"You have no shame do you, you want straight for it. I skip this question." He paused for a while,thinking a little. "You like reading, whats your favourite book."
always managed to find a way to catch me offgaurd. How the hell does he know I like
" Omniscient readers viewpoint?"
"My turn, how do you know I like reading?"
" I saw you reading on a bus a couple times."
"Why were you thinking about your mum?"
This time he didn't hold back, however he probably should have asked something else earlier to make me skip, then ask. Hes not very good at this, he's getting no information even if this is just a silly game.
"Its mother and I skip this question."
He might have been less cautious but I was not, I wanted answers.
"Are you a stalker, why were you looking at me on the bus."
"Your ruthless at this you know, but that was 2 questions though, take your pick. Which one."
"The first one then."
"Oh great, I guess in a way it could be called that."
"Oh god."
It was only a few minutes worth of conversation but I was already so tired. Yet it didn't feel so bad to talk to someone. It was weird because I've never liked talked so much to anyone, not willing anyway. Not even with my brother. A part of me wanted someone to understand me. A part of me felt like I wasn't being judged, but I could never be to sure.
It was another minute in silence before he spoke again.
"You know this is how a normal conversation works. You ask questions, you don't always have to answer though. I have my boundaries too."
I look up to meet his eyes. Sometimes I forgot that hes extremely good looking. I had never seen his eyes so gentle though. I had only known him about 3-4 weeks and half that I wasn't even awake so I really wouldn't know. But part of me felt safe talking to him.
"Not everybody understands the term boundaries though."
"We both understand it so maybe you can freely talk with someone. Trust me though my social battery is just as dead as yours thats why I'm more willing to talk to you."
"I guess. No investigators are putting you up to this to dig out information right?"
" You saw me before here at the hospital, you saw how I didn't talk to anybody. It's not like investigators would think I'm willing to talk to someone."
"Can I ask one more question?"
He nodded quickly, his face shifted into a large grin.
"why are you trying so hard?"
"You've been through enough. Severed connection can be rebuilt."
"what do you mean by severed connection?"
"That's something for another day."
I really couldn't understand him, its like all those years I spent trying to understand people better to avoid pain was worthless. I couldn't even understand someone so simple looking. I could understand why, and that was the one thing I've even wanted to know.
Why hady mother said vengeance?
Why had my uncle been like that?
Why couldn't people be less of hypocrites?
Why couldn't people just understand that people are different?
Why, why whywhy?
The one question which never had an answer.
What a werid thing.