BROKEN
Caroline havens: at work
My steps dug a quarter inch down in the mud. My rain boots were giving the water droplets their way to the ground.
I moved my foot and took another step. The atmosphere was cold, as if I could taste it. The cab left because I gave the sign to. I didn't want to be suspicious of roaming in a ground late at night.
I slowly and carefully chose my steps. The cold coat stuck to my skin, droplets popped over the crown of my umbrella as some hydrated my lashes.
The smell of rain clicked the nostalgia in my mind. I wanted to breathe as loud as possible. I walked further.
There was a wooden table, something pink and white trailed with the rainwater slowly passed my shoes. I took a breath.
It was a cake, a supposed-to-look-like beautiful, pink cake with white cream and a beautiful castle-like theme. Was now butchered by the rain. I walked further and saw letters, pretty and wooden-colored pages. The letters were supposed to convey someone's words, feelings were now drowned in spilled ink and rain.
I couldn't even read a single word from them. There were at least 15 letters. Every single letter with only one tag. For Caroline Havens.
It felt as if...
My heart stopped beating, my lungs were paining. My eyes were slowly warmer. I lowered the umbrella as the rain nearly stopped. The cold breeze froze my unseen tears.
My eyes slowly caught sight of a chair. Filled with cigarettes. I do like them, but...
They were ruptured by the rain. The raindrops started again, I hid in the shade of my umbrella again.
There were balloons around—untangled, popped, heart-shaped. They all were ruined. The variety of lighters just lay there lifelessly.
Where is your owner?
I wanted to ask them. The panda lighter, I remember he gave it to me that night. There was a scent slowly crawling inside me. The cake was still calling me.
After being devastatingly torn from the rain. I saw something...
A possibility—if I had just not skipped this time. Maybe this all would have been beautifully served.
My finger was shaking because I knew, even if the rain drowned the beauty...
I was the reason they lay here lifelessly.
The ruptured food that was supposed to be in someone's mouth was looking so gross now.
The rain even delayed an hour. If I had gotten here at 1 AM, I still might have had the chance.
I saw a small broken figurine of a willow tree with a cute cat. But it was broken. Into small fragments I couldn't recognize.
When I was a child, I yearned for some things. I promised myself that I would work hard to preserve them. But why now do I feel like I'm slowly losing it all?
I splashed in the water and looked around. Nothing was in a better state.
Everything was ruined.
There has to be something, somewhere, some...how.
"It's no use!" someone spoke.
Who is it? I only heard the words, but in tension I forgot to decipher the tone. Gehrmensch? I was scared to look behind. But at least he came, he...
I instantly looked behind with every preparation to hear the scoldings. I just don't wanna lose them, even if it means to be scolded.
I saw... her?
"You heard correct. It's no use. You've already lost—not because I did something. Because of your own arrogance and ignorance."
Momo? She was sitting on a chair drinking cola in this cold weather. I didn't know if I should be defensive or offensive. But I took a step back.
"What are you doing here?" I looked around to see if there were any men of hers.
"Don't worry. I'm just here to enjoy the weather like him!" She pointed somewhere far... it is him.
It's Gehrmensch. My feet moved on their own.
"Stop!" My steps stopped—but why? Why should I listen to her? I should go and greet Gehrmensch, right?
"Before doing anything, look at his state."
She talks like a big deal. What can even happ...en to Gehrme...
I saw him from far. He was drenched in the rainwater, trying to light up his cigarette. He looks, feels so...
Sad.
"You know, I used to think you're a stable and strong person, so I needed to get you out of my way!" I looked back at her.
What does she mean?
"But now I think I just increased your time in this mansion. If I hadn't interfered, you would've already been thrown out of the Nyco mansion. Because of
Your own arrogance
Ego
Which you carry as your self-respect
But you know what?
...
I am not telling you your mistakes. It would just make my work easier if I didn't interfere. I was dumb to send cars after you today.
You know, you should have done at least some research before joining them.
Even I did before I tried to date Cupra. In an interview, Gehrmensch himself said
he hates a person most when that person breaks his promise again and again with the most silly answers.
And remember, when he said he hates, that means he once cared for that person—who didn't deserve it. He could've just ignored you.
You know this spot is my favourite place. I, on occasional times, come here to slack off.
When he booked this place, I inspected it sometimes. Even helped him.
I was unaware that I helped to set up your date. And that's why even I feel a little sad.
How ironic.
It all went to ruins, and you were just enjoying dinners with those two brothers.
It reminds me—you had a small fight with Cupra, right? It was petty as hell. And you wanna know who was at fault?
You must think I'd blame you again. Don't worry.
It was Cupra's fault.
His fault for treating you as family, as a mentor, as someone close enough that he rejected me two times on your say. I pity him. I wanted to marry him for money.
But now I think—what a demon he's worshipping, such as you.
I think living with him wouldn't be bad. At least I can treat him better than you.
I might seriously consider it this time. And I don't think he'll listen to you after your arrogance.
So, after all, you were the problem, weren't you?
Man, what is it? You're standing like a statue. Look at your face."
Her words caused me to totally question myself. I didn't know what face she was talking about, but she sure was laughing at me. Her umbrella was on her head but closed.
Gehrmensch was drenched in rainwater. Yet I felt the coldest here.
Am I really the root of these problems?
Momo is now considering Cupra's healthy life. Isn't it good?
She was laughing at my face, but I felt it—heavy and dizzy. My cheeks were burning hot.
They were tears, but they didn't rise to heaven. They burned from hellfire and submerged into the earth, digging their own grave.
She didn't say a single lie, yet I wanna prove her wrong.
"You know..." she spoke, signaling me to take a seat.
I sat on it. I could only do that.
"I once read your fragmented novel you published. The one where a woman's diary changed with a mysterious man and she wants to find him? Then she gets locked inside with Mr. Charles?"
Yeah, I remember it. I wrote this... but what does it have to do with me now?
"You know, it was a really terrifying moment when the female lead was trapped in his vanity."
Did she really feel that much? But why is she telling me this?
"Where did you copy it from?"
...
How... h-ho-ow? Does she know that?
"I... read that once, changed some things b-because..."
I know plagiarizing is a bad thing.
"So, do you know what happened to its diary?"
Diary? I... read it so long ago. But there wasn't any mention of what happened. Could it be?
"You're grasping it, aren't you? That fragmented novel was someone's life. She wrote it in a desperate attempt to share her inner turmoil. Her burden."
Wait? Does that mean...? That story... that story? Is real?
"Do you wanna know who was that man in shade? Whose diary got exchanged with the female lead?"
I...? Don't know.
"I don't."
Is he Gehrmensch? Because when writing it, I thought it was Gehrmensch.
"It was...
Cupra."
Cupra? He was the man in...? What?
My grip tightened on the wooden chair. The breeze brushed past my hair.
"Do you want to know what was in that girl's diary?"
Her diary? It was highlighted. What was it?
"No..?"
"Seems like you only know how much you wrote, right?" I nodded.
"Then let me tell you the whole story. The diary carried that woman's whole life — her hardships, her burdens, her thoughts, her darkness.
The woman in that novel, the one who inspired you to join Nyco Brothers.
Is me!"
She..? Momo is the female lead of that novel? Locked with Mr. Charles inside that vanity? What happened after that? But didn't Mr. Charles dismiss it and tear my pages because he didn't like it?
"But he tore the pages I rewrote and said it's bullshit!"
"He didn't want to dig up his buried past.
It's been so long.
It feels nostalgic.
Once, I walked on the same path as you — just a different method.
Natasha and I joined on the same day. In fact, your current crew was my ex-crew.
It was really good back then. But I had to leave it.
I tried every method, walked behind Cupra. Helped him in his aid. Finally set up a date with him — after a year, I set up a date with him.
I thought using a scandal was the only way.
But then you came and ruined everything.
You now understand why I was being too much just for that alone."
My eyes were projecting all that as if I was living it.
"But didn't you say you wanted him for money?" She did say that.
"Why should I tell my vulnerability to a person I thought was the villain in my story?
You know.
Seeing you suddenly befriend those two that easily? I envied you. My whole year of progress was covered within a day by you.
By sheer luck.
Life's unfair, isn't it?
I learned to be unfair so I could snatch my right from it.
From your perspective, I'm just a villain trying to capture Cupra. But if you had read the story from my perspective, you would be the villain.
And now you're suffering.
What I learned in that past year, you're learning all within a week. I know how to handle it all. You don't.
I'm your ideal, whom you have surpassed. And now you're bearing the weight of the time you've skipped to climb such a great place."
My ideals, goals, and thinking — it all was shaken. I became the villain of the story I took inspiration from. I replaced the lead. I..?
"But now you know." Huh?
"I guess it was worthwhile. I didn't give up, nor did you. Our goals are different. What do you think?
Isn't it time for us to make it better? I'm also tired of being the villain in my own story."
Oh... I guess. That's good? I suddenly felt lighter.
"You remember the big chart? The one where I first planned it all out?"
"Yes?" I remember it was in the first chapter.
"It's still here. I don't live there, but I preserved it as a memory."
I can see it in reality? It's like a dream come true. I know there's a lot of conflict happening in my mind. But I wanna ignore it now. I want to be optimistic — to step into the bright future.
"Can I ask you something?" I was genuinely curious. She rested her face on her interlocked fingers.
"Oh! Now you seem normal again. Go ahead!"
"What happened in that vanity?" I was curious. The scene which was building up was a dark one. Did I just dig a dark grave? Did I mess up again?
"Don't worry."
"Huh?"
"It's all over your face. You're worried.
I said don't worry. Nothing much happened in that vanity. What you wrote was a little spicy. In reality, he was just facing some loan problems, and when the vanity opened, he treated me like his daughter. And after that, I met my ex-co-workers."
Oh!! Thank God. I thought it too much — I was scared to write that scene.
I suddenly realized the rain was over. I looked behind for Gehrmensch. He was gone. When?
"He saw us talking and left. Don't worry, he'll be fine. Just message him an apology." She stood up and threw her cola can in a bin.
"But does it even matter?"
"See, that's the problem!" She pointed at me, pressing her finger on my shoulder. Since when did we get this close?
"What?" Is she about to lecture me a third time?
"You don't even know what matter means!" Huh? Matter means? I shifted my gaze to her, slumber-sunken eyes met her sunlit-moon eyes.
"These small things pile up to something big that matters, do you understand? It's not like it'll do any big impact, but slowly and slowly it will!" Slowly...
Is it?
I messaged him something — the only thing I could. To lay the brick for the foundation.
Sorry for everything. I'll try my best from tomorrow.
I didn't know if it was a good or bad message. But it was something.