[Hey mortal, CONGRATULATIONS!!!, you've been randomly selected as an unwilling participant for venturing into the cosmos. Since the last couple of chosen have been unlucky enough to be sent off under Korean novel MC difficulty (that being debuffed, nerfed, shit-maxed, cursed or illness riddled) you're eligible for a couple of boons. You've really lucked out seeing I've grown bored of that due to their previous never ending struggles. I've recently been on a type moon binge so I've decided to make you the mage protagonist to end all mage protagonist. You'll find all of your boons and a couple of extra details listed in the black card in your pocket.]
...
With that random announcement I was dumped into the middle of nowhere.
...
I know this might seem random seeing as we just got acquainted this very second and all but if I may allow me tell you a small unimportant fact about myself.
Ready? Okay... I'm usually a very calm man.
I rarely if ever truly get mad or lose my temper. I'm the oldest sibling of six so I needed to learn how to keep my shit together from a very young age.
Now, I guess you might be asking yourself as to why I choose to share this random fact right?
Well, it's because this situation I find myself in clearly crosses a line to the degree that my previously undefeated capacity for anger management has been utterly demolished.
This piece of shit ROB kidnapped me at the tail end of my last ranked match in LoL...
I was about to reach Grandmaster after I had spent 4 hours queuing up and months grinding. Funny part is that I very clearly remember getting into an heated argument with a bronze 2 bottom feeder a couple of hours ago while using my smurf account to relax. That one particular interaction ended with someone threatening to isekai me.
At the time I thought it was just a cute way of telling me they were going to game-end me and not get banned.
I would like to think that a nigh omnipotent being wouldn't be petty enough to kidnap me due to a game of league...
But this was clearly targeted towards me and I will have my revenge. You ROB just messed with a true No Life King and my vengeance shall be swift and ruinous.
After taking a deep breath, I calm down, and begin to assess the situation.
I pat my jeans and empty out my front pockets searching for whatever the hell that bastard put in there. I find a black business card with gold writing. For a second there I couldn't tell exactly what I was looking at.
The only way I can visually describe it is that It looks darker than vantablack. It's as if it's not reflecting any light at all and weirdly enough it almost hurts to look at.
The material feels unlike anything I've personally ever touched before. It gives a sensation similar to what I imagine it would feel like to hold a "solid" piece of air in my hands. It also feels cold to the touch as if it had juts spent an hour or two inside of a refrigerator but it's not giving off any moisture or condensation.
One side has a simple list written on it:
- Mystic Eyes of Death Perception+
- Unlimited Blade Works
- Fate Spell Archive
- Blue Blood: Noble Magic Circuits
- ??? (It's a surprise for later ~tehe~)
After I finished reading what was listed my eyes widened and breath hitched.
"Holy Shit!!! That's disgustingly broken. Even a single one of these boons would make me OP in 99% of the franchises I'm aware of. Though... I wonder what the hidden boon could be?" I say to myself while thinking about my current situation.
"Forget it, I won't give mysterious being x the satisfaction of seeing me flustered over this." I think outloud and then flip the card around.
[This world will serve as a quick tutorial into your journey. Though I won't go into the where and when of it all as it's randomized to a degree; I will say you're more than well equipped to tackle wherever you're dropped.
Now, the spell archive doesn't just give you the ability to use said spells as I've already given you enough as it is. You can read the research that went into creating a spell and reference the knowledge needed on how to cast it but you'll have to practice them at your own risk. The other abilities while they are innate require specific knowledge to use to a degree so it will be afforded to you as good grace of sorts. As for the high spec magic circuits... you can figure that out on your own.
Your's truly,
ROB❤️
P.S.
Until you can travel from from one verse to another on your own this card can serve as a ticket of sorts so rip it at anytime when you're ready to leave after you've finished the tutorial. You'll know when it's ready to use.]
After I've finished reading the back of the card I got a massive headache. The info necessary to fully utilize UBW and MEoDP was being downloaded into my brain. I groggily bring my hand to my face and I feel something dig into the bridge of my nose. Glasses which weren't previously there that I assume are Mystic Eye Killers now reside on my face.
I don't think I even need them as my eyes apparently lean more towards Ryougi's when it comes to control and output... but I guess it's better to have them and not need them than need them and not have them in case of an emergency.
As I'm ruminating about my current situation a flash of light followed by the sound of a massive explosion interrupts me.
KRA-KOOM!!!
"Holy Shit!!! What the fuck was that!!!" I say clearly startled by by the sudden sound.
'It sounded like a missile going off. Going by the time delay between the flash of light, initial shockwave and the sound of the explosion itself I'd say it was about five to six klicks from here.' I thought whilst getting my bearings.
'Still, I no longer feel safe enough to stand here worrying about my current situation so I better start moving.'
But you know what they say "trouble comes in twos" so once again as I'm preparing to move away from the sudden threat of danger before something happens.
Suddenly a tree in my near vicinity crackles and explodes.
Dodging the approaching debris I notice what seems to be someone's body bursting from the area where a tree previously stood crashing on the ground at my feet.
"Time out!!! Todo, it seems that something big is happening unrelated to the goodwill event." The pink haired wrecking ball suddenly screams out making a pause sign with his hands.
"True, my brother, It seems as if a non sorcerer was able to bypass the barrier and enter into the school grounds." Said another man that looks as if he's on a steady diet of trenbolone and unsalted boiled chicken dinners.
I of course as a seasoned weeb am fully capable of recognizing the two people standing infront of me with a single look.
That recognition brings forth the sudden feeling of an upset stomach.
'What the hell did that shitty ROB mean by tutorial. The only thing quick or short about JJK is the fast paced timeline of the series and character life expectancy. Like, how can so many life threatening scenarios that led to the world being thrown off kilter happen in the span of a year.
Worst of all is that while other reincarnators and transmigrators get a couple of days of grace to relax before having to deal with any crap... I'm trown into the fucking middle of the Kyoto exchange goodwill event ark.' I think wanting to tear my hair out.
"Hey there!!, young lady, would you happen to be lost?" Said Todo while looking at me.
'Young lady!?!? What the hell is this bastard talking about? No... wait a minute... could I have possibly been Ranma'd.' I instantly panic and my hands proceed to pat down my body before blitzing down towards my glorious Excalibur.
A relieved sigh escapes my lips.
You can't even imagine my relief when I find my nine inch beaver cleaver resting safely between my legs.
But still, that leaves the question about how he could've confused me with a woman. While people have said I've hade a baby face my entire life it was never to the degree of getting confused for a chick.
"Do either of you have your phones on you. I need to check something out real quick." I suddenly ask.
They awkwardly look at each other for a second before Yuji shrugs and reaches into his front pocket.
He then hands me his unlocked phone. I press on the camera app icon and switch to the front camera. What I see leaves me deeply disturbed.
Mishmashed qualities ripped from the two protagonist whose powers I inherited. I have black hair that makes it seem as if I could 100% qualify to appear in some super expensive female hair product commercial. Vibrant golden eyes that you wouldn't be able find anywhere on earth in my previous world that appear to shimmer under the sunlight.
Now, I know that until now it doesn't seem that bad but the worst part of it all is the fair rosy skin that looks soft to the touch and the extremely delicate and gentle facial features that any type moon fan could recognize at a glance...
SaberFace.
It seems that due to Takashi Takeuchi's blunder/sin and that ROB's spite I've been reduced to becoming a f'ing femboy.
I can feel blood rushing to my head and a forehead vein pulsating in anger.
'No matter what I will kill that fucking bastard ROB if it's the last thing I do on earth. If you're going to turn me into a damn anime character at least make it a chad like Jotaro Kujo, Sinbad or Gilgamesh. No, I don't have time for this... gotta focus.'
Now, what to do about this situation. The two idiots infront of me might not be the smartest people in JJK but they're definitely the keenest instinct wise. While neither seem like the type to shoot first and ask questions later that doesn't mean that they will just let me walk away without a proper explanation, especially so if their BS shounen senses deem me a threat.
Though I guess as long as I don't become aggressive they won't outright attack me so I'll just fake it till I make it.
I look towards Yuji and quickly formulate an plan in my head.
"Thanks for letting me borrow your phone. I was worried that my hairline had receded or something after going through that portal. It's not every day that a magus can remain completely unharmed after experimenting with new untested magecraft." I say as I hand his phone back to him.
"I'm a man by the way, though I understand where the confusion might arise from." I say while looking at Todo with a deadpan look.
"Hairline... Portal... magecraft?" Yuji says while tilting his head looking extremely confused as he goes on, scratching his head.
"Yes, it's not uncommon for a magus to end up with alterations to their appearances after messing around with alchemy or certain exotic energies. I was fiddling around with an untested ritual centered around traveling trough different planes of existence before I got here. You two seemed really surprised to see me so I was a bit worried there was something wrong with my face for a second." I spout lies like my life depended on it.
"Do you mean you ended up here from a different dimension?" Todo cuts into the conversation with a semi serious and skeptical tone.
"Yup."
"Weird... because I can't sense any curse energy coursing through your body."
Without a second thought I projected kanshou and bakuya in my hands.
"That's probably because I don't have any of this curse energy you speak of. I'm a magus and we primarily utilize mana among other esoteric energies to utilize magecraft. You can take a look at these if you'd like and tell me feel any of this curse energy coming from them." I say while throwing kanshou at Yuji and bakuya at Todo.
"From what I can gather from the weird energy coming off of you and the fact that your friend isn't permanently disabled from going through that tree you both shouldn't be your regular every day civilians and if so these should serve as proof that I also belong to the more esoteric side of things." I say as they both inspect the weapons in their hands.
"As you can see those weapons were created through my own special technique and energy and thus have a trace of mana that any magus is capable of recognizing if examined properly. Of course that is only if you guys are magus like me."
"Woah!!! I think he might be serious Todo. I really can't sense any curse energy from neither him or this weapon."
Todo then slaps Yuji in the back of the head,"He might be a cursed spirit with an ability to obfuscate his use of cursed energy my brother."
"True." Yuji was instantly convinced and subtlety begins to transfer his body into a more combat ready form.
'Traitor... though not entirely wrong seeing as Hanami exist.'
"Though I have a sure fire way of figuring out whether this man(?) might be friend or foe." Todo says.
He coughs into his hand twice and then pauses for a bit.
"What type of woman do you like?" He ask with a ferocious grin on his face.
I guess I should've expected something like this from him.
I chuckled.
I think about it for a few seconds then decide what to do. After a short pause for dramatic effect I suddenly began my performance.
"When mankind used to walk on all fours. What they saw before them then... were asses." I begin.
Yuji and Todo stood in utter silence instinctively knowing that the forbidden knowledge that was about to be laid bare upon them has never been nor will be verbalized again like this on this planet.
"Yes... in the evolution of mankind, the ass became the boobs..."
"Ever since the day man began to walk on two legs the ass no longer remained infront of the eyes, and what replaced it were boobs!!!"
The are both in shock and awe at what they listening.
"Women's large mounds are a replacement for the ass. But the true origin of life is the ass. Boob's while glorious are just a mere replacement so..."
I continue like a divine ruler dictating to the masses, hands spread wide open and fervor coating my voice.
"In the end, boobs are nothing more than fake asses and if I had to choose between an imitation and the original I would of course choose the original!!!"
"So if you were to ask me what type of woman I like, I would give the same answer a million times over... I like a tall woman with thicc thighs and most importantly a BIG ass for that is where true Eros lies." I finished my impassioned speech and looked in their direction.
What I saw there was already a forgone conclusion.
They both stood there and... they wept.
They wept tears that only true ass men could understand.
Then Todo approached me and clasped my hand,"To think that in a single day I would encounter two people cut from the same cloth as me in the same day. I apologize for my earlier misunderstanding. What lies before me is truly a man among men. My friendo."
All the while Itadori Yuji repeatedly nods his head up and down in agreement. However It seems like I won't reach the brother tier until he finds out if I can throw hands.
"Do you mean the fact of you confusing me for a woman or that you erroneously mistook me for whatever this cursed spirit thing is?" I say with a grin.