Hoshi's point of view
All the birds' singing is suddenly gone, and the night has made my troubled head heavy again.
Nikko and Nelson are playing with each other, Nikko's energy waking up some sort of an inner devil in my normally lazy and calm cat. They both are making weird sounds, running around, even making a little bit of a mess, yet the sight of them makes me a little warmer, even though the serious topic that I promised myself to discuss tonight is still dwelling in my head.
As Nikko slowly starts losing interest in running around the apartment, and starts persuading Nelson to get cozy and cuddle with him, still laying around on the floor, I finally decide to make the first step.
"Nikko?"
"Hmm?" Nikko sits up, and lets Nelson flee from his tight grip. His look is always so adorable and innocent. He almost looks like a minor, but how is he going to look when I ask him if he's scared of me, and about why he doesn't trust me?
I sit on the light, wooden floor beside him, shifting not once, but twice before I find the right position and finally speak up.
"I have something to talk to you about…" I say, my eyes observing an impressionistic picture on the wall. I don't want to see his face when it turns uncomfortable.
How would he feel if I opened the topic of Takamori, and his abusive touches again? It may be uncomfortable for Nikko, but I wonder if Takamori has to do something with his overly-cautious demeanour in our relationships. Trauma he carries from this experience, could it be it, or am I on the wrong way?
"Hoshi… What is it?" He asks, and I feel his hand assuringly land on my thigh. He's uncertain, yet I think he sees my nervousness.
"Are you scared of me?" I ask, my glance slowly shifting on his tender hand.
"Why would I be?" Nikko says with a soft tone. He didn't even think about the answer.
That must mean he doesn't doubt his safety around me, right? Otherwise he would think of it, no?....
"Recenlty when you thought I was mad at you" I start, but he doesn't seem to catch on, so I add "at Yuki's"
"Oh, right!"
I take a breath in, and continue slowly "You were all nervous and distraught, and it made me think of how you perceive me. I couldn't help but remember the hidden fear in your eyes that I saw that day." I say, trying to express my worry.
Nikko stays quiet for a bit, his hand not leaving my thigh, now gently stroking me, or maybe nervously playing with my pants. My eyes finally, very cautiously, meet his, in a slow, uncertain movement of my head. Those nemophila eyes of his are especially hard to read today.
"Is it connected to Takamori? I know what he did must've left some pretty deep scars even in a soul strong like you." I inquire.
"No, it's not him." Nikko conclusively denies. "I normally would've reacted differently." He looks down, finding his fidgeting hand that is now bowing my dark jeans.
"What is it then? I'm here to listen" I assure him, as I daintily start stroking his slim fingers with mine.
"Lately I have been feeling way too self-conscious, and it's been driving me crazy. And not only that. At that one specific moment at Yuki's, so many things were happening at once, and my mind just couldn't process it somehow. I don't even know why I thought you'd be mad at me anymore." Nikko says, thinking of his words as he speaks. "You don't have to worry about it. I feel much better now that I said why I've been acting that way too." He looks at me, a genuine, relieved smile on his face.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, his hand raises to my face, firmly pinching my cheek. "You look way too cute now, worrying about me, not liking you."
"No, Nikko it's not that. I just-" I try to speak, but his both hands are now squeezing my face so hard that I can't. So I take one of them, and gently put it off, calming his energy discharge (Or at least trying to). "I was worried about you, not about you liking me." I say, a light smile on my face, and if my stomach didn't growl one second after I said this, it maybe even could've been a pretty thoughtful and meaningful sentence. Yet one problem is immediately followed by another. My stomach starts hurting slightly, and it keeps making these uncertain rumbling sounds for a good while.
I place my hand on it, finely pressing, so I focus the pain somewhere else, yet I'm careful so Nikko doesn't notice much. He shouldn't see me like this.
Unfortunately, my boyfriend is very observant, and also really curious. Nikko abruptly presses his ear on my stomach, almost knocking me down on the floor, and I subtly growl with pain.
"Shit-" I let out a curse, an uncomfortable feeling spreading through my body. He for sure didn't mean to cause me anything wrong, but it hurt way too much.
"Hoshi, are you all right?" Nikko exclaims readily, a hint of panic in his voice.
"Y-yeah it's nothing." I say, trying to put myself together before he starts asking, or saying anything else that could possibly hint something. Late.
"Really? You suddenly look faint." Nikko notes. "We've just eaten a while ago, yet you look like you haven't eaten all day!"
Don't say that, Nikko,
My glance accidently meets his, so I nervously turn my look down to the ground, my guilty expression most likely disclosing one piece of a possible jigsaw.
because that's exactly what I did…
The room keeps silent. And so we are both sitting quietly. I realised I fucked up, and Nikko is probably registering that something is wrong.
"Wait," Nikko starts "don't tell me that all you ate today was a few strawberries and a piece of strawberry cake?" He speaks with a firm, and very serious tone. By keeping silent, I basically just handed him the first piece of a jigsaw myself now.
Hoshi put. your. self. together!
There's an indescribable fuss in my head at the moment, yet I manage to come up with a very lame and probably the worst excuse ever.
"It's just, I have gained a little bit of weight, and I need to stay fit for ice skating…"
"I ate earlier, too." I add, automatically lying to get out of this situation.
Nikko looks me directly into my black pupils, his deep glance insistent, trying to read the most it can.
"Okay, I just really didn't feel like eating anything earlier. But I feel like eating something now. Come on, let's make some dinner." I smile, as I nervously stand up, and lend him a hand. I'm obviously not a good actor, but I'm not that bad to not to be able to hide my anorexia.
.
.
.
For a few years now, I thought that my eating disorders had been all solved, that they had been gone for good. But lately, now that I started being less prudent about food when meeting Nikko, I started overeating again when I'm alone. My cravings came back and I feel disgusted everytime I look in the mirror, realising I am 3 kilograms heavier than 2 months ago. The feeling of my thighs always being so big, and my face being all squishy is driving me crazy, again.
Sometimes I feel like all the hours of therapy were useless, when it's so easy to get back into it again so easily. Back to eating out the fridge at midnight, and then see a threat in food until it's night again, only to know it's wrong, and after all they had to go through with you, not even being able to tell your best friends what's going on. At least so far I've been able to hold myself from vomiting, instead I only starve the other day after overeating.